A year on and standing 2

[SteveLW]

After dinner, she brought the boys to a photo booth to take some candid sticker photos. Well since she never asked me to join in, I just stick around and wait for them to finish taking the photos. While waiting for them, some thoughts came to my mind perhaps it's better and much more relief for me if D is proceeded. Because if it's so horrible for her and it's so tough for me, what's the point to stand further?

Just a feeling seeding in me because from the family photo taken in the restaurant, her expression and body language was totally overkill to me, like she was avoiding some plague subconsciously. I was not even beside her, the kids were and we were sitting in a single file with both of us at one end to another. I can't imagine she was suggesting we remain friends / housemates and co-parent the kids under the same roof after D if she is already behaving like that when we took a photo together haha.

ToSmile, I am sure some of this is your own insecurities and being overly sensitive to her body language, etc because of the situation. Totally normal. We start to put significance on the insignificant. I did the same thing. "Oh she is sitting next to me, she likes me! Oh she chose a spot away from me, we are still getting a D!" LBSs become body language experts post BD!

I am sure she was torn. She has essentially sad she doesn't want to be a family anymore, yet here she is doing a family outing. Part of her was enjoying it, part of her was thinking "how did I get myself into this situation?" It is very typical for the WAS during limbo to agree to things like this family dinner, and then do whatever they can to show you that they aren't happy being there.

Here is the thing, if you picked up on it I am sure your kids did too. This is why I repeat the mantra "Kids would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home." The learnings your kids are getting from you and your STBXW right now are how NOT to be a married couple. I know you've talked about having the kids in IC and that is great. But limbo is as hard on the kids as it is on couple. I know in my own situation my daughter, who was a teenager at the time, went through a period where her behavior deteriorated, especially in relation to me, and the period of limbo and for a time after we started piecing and reconciling was the worst period of behavior of her life.

We didn't tell her anything that was going on, but she detected it. My wife, due to some behavioral issues after we were in reconciliation, took her phone away from her. In perusing the phone we saw messages to her friends where she was saying things like "I don't know what is going on with my family right now". She was definitely picking up on cues, many of the same cues I was, and it was having an effect on her.

Likely the "request" from your son for a dinner with just the family for his birthday was because he too is detecting that something isn't right. Your sitch has gone on for quite a while, and WASs tend to become less tolerant and more demonstrative over time. I would say at your kids current ages there is no way that they don't detect and note the same things that you do.

Have you considered the damage that is being done to the kids by your "willingness" to hang on for this long? I know this is back to beating the dead horse of having an exit strategy. But this long limbo isn't good for any of you, your WAS included. And it seems things are getting worse over time, not better.