WF, first of all, you are such a catch of a human. The people in your life (H, D, SD) are so lucky to have wise, self-reflective you in their corner. Oh, the places they all can go leaping off the shoulders of your wisdom! Obviously, they all won't see it in the the moment (SD struggling with her teen-angst, H struggling with his FOO patterns), but you are so clearly the guiding light in your family. For better (them) or for worse (the onus upon you). Keep on with your (im)perfect, growth-mindset self and I have no doubt that the decades to come will allow you to bask in the sun of your perseverance and wisdom.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
We have managed to find a house. It's perfect even if it took 6 tries to get us there. We'll be closing in a couple weeks. I'll say it again. I hate that this is the way we had to take to get us here, but if this is what it took for us to not only talk about money like grown ups but to learn how to fight like grown ups I'll take it. I can't say enough about how much I love and appreciate this version of H. He is a much calmer more empathetic and reasonable man than the one in MR 1.0.
This, my dear, is EXACTLY what you wished for all those months ago when you were in the midst of the trauma of the AP and uncertainty of your M. Could I posit that it is even better than you imagined back in those days? You deserve this and good on H for being man enough to step into his half of the partnership. It seems that he is growing, despite his reticence for IC, in ways that really work for you and for your R. I still hope he considers IC, if nothing else for his FOO issues. And for the generational inheritance those FOO have on D17.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
In our dynamic that's only a very small portion of it. The reality is I'm the fixer. I fix the cars, the house, the kids...lol. I have to fix, fix, fix. But that is part of my personality as well as some hangover from growing up with an abusive/narcissistic parental figure. "If I can make every thing perfect then he won't rage" that kind of thought process. It takes a long time to work through those trauma responses. I've gotten much better given the 20 years of distance from that situation and a crap ton of therapy, but I still hang on to a lot of those super unhealthy behaviors because I was programmed in my formative years to be like that.
I have a different origin story to yours, but the need to fix/ease and enable calm is deeply engrained in me and has manifested in the same outcome as yours. The biggest lesson I am learning in my own process is that the only thing I can really, truly fix is myself. Not the cars or house (though I can), not the kids (though I am driven to) and certainly not my partner. In the process of releasing myself from my M, I am slowly recognizing that I no longer want to 'fix' anyone any longer. I would definitely give up my hard-learned lesson for an intact M and family, but in the absence of that, I hope that all my relationships in the future (friends, family members, lovers) are set on more equal footing where I am no more the 'fixer' than they are.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
The point of that very long story is, I was just quietly crying to myself. I'm a big girl. I can self soothe. I didn't ask for the help or even comfort. He takes that upon himself not just because he wants to fix but because it's a compulsion and I'm sure we'll have to have this conversation more than once. However, this was a big step in the right direction of this dynamic in our relationship that needs to be resolved.
I haven't experienced an equal partnership in this arena. But no more should your compulsion be to 'fix' things, than H's need to 'fix' you or your (sad, happy; negative, positive) emotions. SteveLW was too reductionist in this regard (sorry, Steve, I know what you meant in theory), but I have to agree that the utopian aim is for both partners to just hold each other's emotions without any sort of judgement, self-internalization or 'need' to change the other. Because ultimately, H's need to comfort you, eviscerate your sadness at losing house #4, is ultimately a selfish endeavor ('if only WF wasn't emotional about this, we could just move on to status quo and that would make me feel better').
Codependency can be such an insidious, though at the same time, innocent thing. Releasing ourselves from the codependent track is perhaps easier than 'training' our loved ones to do the same. You are taking the right steps towards this goal, clearly, and I encourage you to keep challenging yourself, and H, to own that what is yours, is yours and what is his, is his. So cry a river, at times, and make H witness it without trying to fix it (with communication: 'just hold me, that's all I need right now, don't worry, I'll be alright, it's not you, a part of me is sad at the moment and I just need to feel it right now'). And witness him in the same light.
You've got this, girl, all of it. I don't believe for one second that anything I am preaching is original to your natural, intuitive approach to life.
