New M, new WAW

[mako]

I think the key is in making sure this is a real turnaround. Mako I think you are taking a good approach. Taking it slow right now is the right way to go. As I've said before, reaching out to much, too quickly, and too excitedly can scare her away right now. I get the "I was not affectionate in the past" thing. I really do. But that is why I suggested the talk and touch charges. Subtle and almost undetectable, they can have a big impact over the next few weeks.

Mako, you've got this! Two other suggestions: Come here before you make big decisions. SO many LBS fail to do this and then make huge mistakes they regret later. And second, keep posting. Make a commitment to post at least once a day. Even if it is to say "nothing really new today, just blah blah blah......"

Thanks. I tried to add in some of those touch charges. A hand on the back here, a touch on the arm there…little things that might add up in time. There are no grand gestures that turn these things around, only regular consistent actions.

Last night W actually asked me for help with a work problem and I sat with her for a while and got her through it. This is something I used to do for her once in a while, but she had stopped asking for some time, even prior to BD. After BD I had decided a boundary was that I’d no longer help her with work, but she never asked. Now I am fine doing so again.

I did have a few moments where I really felt an urge to talk and try and figure out where she sees us going right now, but I recognized it and let it pass. Not necessary right now.

Today we went out to lunch, and it was good. It's nice to hang out together without kids, really that hasn't happened enough in the past several years.

If you don't get to the root cause of why she was so unhappy that she was willing to blow up your family then you will certainly get bombed again. IMO based on experience and research 40 year old women are a bomb waiting to go off.

Agree 100% I mean she's mostly told me, but we have to see if that's all there is to it or if there's more there. And as we've said she's going to have to work these things out for herself too.

Mako you may want to go take a look at my thread. My H went from fine to EA to PA to the A dead and over in 4 months. And was fully on board and back in the MR 4 months after that. He had some touch and go while he worked his own sh!t out. He himself admitted that lock down had been a huge factor in reevaluating me, our MR and why he blew our MR up. I imagine a condensed version of that with absolutely quarantine is possible.

I would just warn like LH has that even if she thinks she's all in today doesn't mean she'll still think she's all in tomorrow. She may waffle for a while. She may keep you at arms length until she figures it out. And by figure it out I mean that in the sense that it could go either way. It took my H longer to decided that he wanted back into the MR than it did for him to decide to sleep with someone else. You'll have to decide if you want to be in that position for as long as it take for her to figure it out. Due to Covid I didn't have much of a choice in the matter, but as weather warmed and house and apartment walk throughs were allowed again I decided he had until fall to p!ss or get off the pot. That might be something to consider while you process this.

Wayfarer, thanks for stopping by on my thread. It’s unfortunately hard to find examples of folks who are piecing as that board is so dead, so I will be sure to check out your threads at some point. I've gotten through almost two of them and you seemed to be on a roller coaster for a while (aren't we all I suppose?), and I'm glad that it seems like you've made it to a better place now. For now it's still pretty new so I am just rolling with it, but you're right that at some point if she's still waffling, or maybe if she avoids IC or MC, I'll need to think about how long I'm willing to go. I need to stay realistic that things are still very much in flux and I can't get complacent.