Stepparenting is harder than parenting...it is even harder when the ex spouse has a campaign of hate against the other parent and their partner. Same advice applies to your gf as it does to you...
Your kids’ entire world has been turned upside down and your gf is wondering if she should keep trying because your son doesn’t acknowledge her presence the way she would like him to? WTF??? She needs to step up, put her big girl pants on and do the work with your kids to earn their affection and respect. So...yes, she keeps trying. These are children and they are YOUR children. You are a package deal and this is what she signed up for. She needs to be consistent in her actions and her words. She should understand that this is an extremely difficult adjustment for them and they are fully caught in the middle. They love both their parents and they likely feel disloyal to their mom when they interact with your gf in a positive way. They don’t have the emotional or mental maturity yet to be able to understand the big picture. If I were her, I would ignore the small little slights or signs of rudeness and only address the big ones... in a kind and firm way. “I would really like us to be friends but I know things are hard for you right now so you may not feel the same way right now. That’s okay. I’d probably feel the same way if I were you so I get it. But if we are going to be sharing the same home, I think it is important we treat each other with respect and kindness so this is a pleasant and peaceful home. Do you think that is something you can work on with me?” Then, when he does something that is in opposition to that goal, she can say...”Hey...remember when we agreed to try to treat each other with kindness and respect. What you just said (or did) doesn’t feel like you are doing that.” And...when he does acknowledge her or does something she likes, she should bring it to his attention. “Hey S. Thanks for.... it’s really helping us get to our goal of a pleasant and peaceful home.” Focus on rewarding the behaviour you want to see and ignoring the behaviour you don’t want to see.
CW... You cannot expect or force your children to care about your girlfriend just because you do. She has to establish and work on that relationship herself. The more you interfere and try to force it, the more they will resent her. Rather than demand that your son say hello or goodbye, you take him aside and you say, “Hey. I notice that when gf says hello or goodbye, you don’t respond. Not responding to someone when they greet you or say goodbye is pretty rude behaviour and you’re not a rude person so what’s going on?” And then listen. If he tells you a bunch of things, validate his feelings and then let him know your expectation is that he work on being a polite and respectful person towards everyone...not just gf.
Remember...this is a situation that has been forced on your children. They did not get a say in any of it and they have to adjust. Unfortunately not all of the adults in their life are working towards helping them do that in a healthy way so it is 1000 times harder on them. Imagine if someone removed one of your children from the home and replaced them with another kid and then told you that you need to accept it and love that kid like family. That is what it feels like to them. And to make things even more confusing, now there is also another child on the way who is going to live with their dad full time. Is he going to love that child more than them? They may also feel abandoned by you when they are home with their angry mom who cannot be a fun person to live with. This is a HUGE transition for them CW. That cannot be overemphasized. It is going to take time and a heck of a lot of work on the part of the adults in their lives to get them back on track.
