We men are fixers. It is an unfortunate trait. Works well in certain aspects (business, around the house, with cars, etc), but when it comes to how we relate with women it is definitely something that doesn't always play well. I know since our most recent sitch I wait for her to ask me to fix something. Now I just empathetically (huge 180 for me) listen and validate. She appreciates that much more than me trying to fix everything. I wish I could get more guys to learn to just shutup (you don't have to fix it!) and just listen to their wives. And then let their wives know that they understand how their wives are feeling. Makes a huge difference in the male-female relationship dynamic.
In our dynamic that's only a very small portion of it. The reality is I'm the fixer. I fix the cars, the house, the kids...lol. I have to fix, fix, fix. But that is part of my personality as well as some hangover from growing up with an abusive/narcissistic parental figure. "If I can make every thing perfect then he won't rage" that kind of thought process. It takes a long time to work through those trauma responses. I've gotten much better given the 20 years of distance from that situation and a crap ton of therapy, but I still hang on to a lot of those super unhealthy behaviors because I was programmed in my formative years to be like that.
H's issue is his own fun FOO stuff. H was surrounded by loud, feisty, opinionated Latinas, (weird how he ended up with me, right?). However, his mom wasn't always part of that crowd. She had kind of party lifestyle. But because he was kind of shoved in a weird space of being a kid/grandkid to abuela and nephew/sibling to all his aunts and one uncle he wasn't always treated like the little boy he was. He was treated much older and he often became the sounding board in the house because he is a very good listener. As a little boy he had these big eyes and ears he probably looked like a little puppy that these adults and almost adults would just unload to. He developed an interesting version of the fawn response, which is common but he takes it to another level, of being the distraction in tense situations and making tense people laugh. He truly believes he can fix people if he can make them be not sad or mad. Honestly, until I started making him read somethings about depression, co-dependency, and childhood trauma responses he truly believe he didn't have negative emotions and all negative emotions are bad. I know this so I don't even need or ask to vent to him about much, because he still struggles with the concept of venting is just venting, and then it's over. That saying how bad my day at work is just that and nothing else.
This has also manifested as what a lot of people my age like to call Captain Save a H*e syndrome. It's basically a straight male co-dependent who unintentionally latches on to toxic women. Women who are always in trouble, or in need in some way. They swoop in like a knight in shining armor and look amazing and feel amazing fixing everything. Until they realize that the chaos they save the damsel from was of her own creation and she will never truly be out of it. Seriously co-dependent guys will stay forever. Others wake up and realize everyone thinking they're this woman's savior isn't worth continuing to fix things forever. Hence the multitude of short term relationships prior to ours and his lovely little dalliance. A lot of strain in our relationship in the past has come from him thinking I need saving because I have had a lot of not great stuff happen in my life in the years we've been together, and because I am the way I am I don't want that kind of attention or support. I know what it is because toxic people can sniff out trauma. I've had toxic people try to swoop into my daughter's and my life before. That kind of "fixing" is basically NGS. It's being done to feed his ego or soothe the chaos he's feeling because of it, not to actually help me. A lot of this feeds into why I've asked him to really consider IC. He's still very resistant but he does read the things I ask him to so baby steps I guess.
The point of that very long story is, I was just quietly crying to myself. I'm a big girl. I can self soothe. I didn't ask for the help or even comfort. He takes that upon himself not just because he wants to fix but because it's a compulsion and I'm sure we'll have to have this conversation more than once. However, this was a big step in the right direction of this dynamic in our relationship that needs to be resolved.
