Still putting one foot in front of the other...

[DnJ]

Hello El

These situations hurt and affect more than just the immediate spouse and kids. Parents, family members, friends, and such all will react depending upon their views and character. And as you said, many have not experienced something like this and therefore are proceeding blindly. This is both good and bad news.

The bad news is as you stated, they look to you and ask you questions. This is obviously, to those of us who have travelled this path, an incredible increase in your already overworked emotions and stress.

The good news is, they look to you and ask you questions. Huh? No DnJ has not hit his head. You are in the rare position to be a beacon, a lighthouse. Those that love you want to help and have no idea how. It falls to you to explain, and there are ways to do just that, while limiting your stress and frustration.

It's exhausting, and I really don't want to feel the burden of their feelings on top of my own right now. Has anyone else had this happen to them? How did you handle it?

Tell friends and family what you need. Be clear with actual doable things. For example, when my W went spectacularly off the rails, most everyone was mad and angry at her. Understandable, she did just throw away her children and husband and family and friends and shacked up with another man. She exhibited so many odd and irrational behaviours. I told my parents and my support group of friends, that I was standing for, and want to stand for, my marriage. I explained what that meant, and asked them to support me. Even if they didn’t understand. Asked them, that there will be times when I falter, am so very unsure, and want to quit - to encourage me to continue.

I didn’t really understand the wisdom I was wielding at the time, I was just following the counterintuitive advice of the wise folks around here. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was a beacon, and lit the way for many - friends, parents, kids, family - to come to forgive, empathize, and understand XW’s strange behaviour. And of course my own path was likewise blessed.

I think it's hardest for my mother. I think her feeling helpless is what is driving her behavior and the guilt she throws at me. I've done exactly what you have said. However, I did also ask that we avoid negative conversations in general (such as family drama, etc) on top of not discussing my situation. Keep things light and positive and focus on happy things.

Yes, it is hard on your Mom. Her daughter is hurting and she doesn’t know how or have anyway to take away the pain. You can help her and yourself by telling her certain clear requests.

I did also ask explain that we I need to avoid negative conversations...

Make your requests/boundaries clear. Politely tell her what you need, not ask her to not do something. Most people will step up rather quickly when given a choice and direction. Remember, she loves you and wants to help, she just doesn’t know how. Tell her/others what you need and they will rise to the occasion.

Some advice, do not avoid negative conversation or your situation, just limit negative conversations and discussions regarding your situation. It has to be discussed, and of course in a healthy and safe environment. Maybe something along the lines of: Mom, I am working my way through a really horrible situation. Most times I am not in a place to discuss it. However, there are moments, at some pretty odd times of the day, when I could really use someone to talk to. Will you be there for me? Can I reach out you went I need to?

El, this is hard. I remember how much I wanted to be passed all the emotional mess and stress too. (((Hugs))) You will make it, and be the better for it. Honest!

How do you handle it? Focus on you. Keep moving forward putting one foot in front of the other. Hey, I know a gal with a thread title like that... She’s pretty smart, strong, and stable. And she is waking her path just fine.

(psst, I’m talking about you)

D