Another issue plaguing me is my family guilting me as to why I am not talking to them about my situation.. I don't want to talk to them about it. It helps them fill a need THEY have that isn't my responsibility. But I can't get them to understand my feelings or accept the boundaries I am trying to set.
Elbereth, that sounds really frustrating, that your family is adding to your stress instead of giving you some calm. I assume there's love and compassion there--mixed in with curiosity and a desire to gossip--have you been as direct with them as you are with us--"It's a rough situation. I have a therapist. What would really help, is a break from thinking about it. Could we talk about something else?" I REALLY appreciated the one mutual friend of my ex-GF and I who never once brought up the breakup in our times together.
Yes, it's coming from love and the desire to help (and I'm sure some curiousity). I think they struggle because they want to help me but they can't. They have never experienced anything like what I am going through. Plus, it only makes them hate my H more (which concerns me...as we share kids and he will be in my life). I don't want that drama either. So I keep what I say to the minimum. I think it's hardest for my mother. I think her feeling helpless is what is driving her behavior and the guilt she throws at me. I've done exactly what you have said. However, I did also ask that we avoid negative conversations in general (such as family drama, etc) on top of not discussing my situation. Keep things light and positive and focus on happy things. It's a stressful time, so it's been hard for them to try to not pull me into their dramas too. And my mom is a loving person but not a happy one, so she is used to using me to vent (but never do anything for her situation) and I just can't take that burden on right now. I tried and it just bleeds me dry with frustration and worry for her when I can barely deal with my own situation. And she lives in another state, so talking is the only way we can connect or she can support me. So that I think has her feeling desperate. Some family members keep asking questions but have been better about the boundaries I'm setting. Some others have dropped off the face of the planet.
Setting boundaries has been an issue for me in the past. I've been working on that and I know that it's hard to enforce new boundaries with people that were not used to being given any from me in the past. But the guilt trips are the worst. And mother/daughter ones are quite nuclear. I sometimes just wish I could skip this whole period in my life and be past it all in already. It's hard enough with the pandemic, the affair, the medical issues I had, job insecurity....it's just so hard. But I know I will make it through. I do. I just wish it wasn't soooo hard.
Yeah, agreement is signed. Now H wanted me to just sign and file the D petition. I told him that I didn't want this. You file it, then we will work through the property stuff. Me with my lawyer, not him. He still doesn't understand why I need a lawyer and I had to remind him that I don't trust him. I was calm, I was nice about it, I assured him that my goal is not to destroy him, but I'm not going to hold his hand and help him do his part. I'm working on what I think the results should be with my lawyer. It amazes me when things are said like "we needed this" or "we both were unhappy"...he keeps thinking I had a choice in any of this. He's off with the unicorns and fairies again... Why don't we have emoji's for unicorns and fairies on this forum?
El.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
