It is time for an update since we have a lot to share again. It seems like I'm keeping a diary here and also get some top advice which is so much needed.
His mother came to visit him on Wednesday. Of course I was there too. The relationship between him and his mother has always been a love-hate relationship. This is the same with his brothers and sister, but they have distanced themselves from her for some time and openly speak how she really is like. He has also recognized this for a long time, but partly due to his crisis, he has enormous difficulties facing this. He does talk to other people about knowing who she is, but there is no mentioning of her and his feelings towards her directly.
She talks towards her son in the following terms: how good you look today my dear, what a wonderful sweet boy you are, you are the best at everything you do, etc. In short, no normal behavior to act towards an adult son. However, she only does this with him, not with her other children, only with the yongest sometimes. (very strange situation actually and very difficult for outsiders to act upon)
His sister recently told me that he has become the person he never wanted to be - his own mother. That they are very much alike now...
The trauma he has to deal with can clearly be found there, that's one certainty.
That same evening, when she was there, he again lashed out at our eldest son. I've always taught them (after reading here so many times) that when H says hurtful words to them, they should just get up, say they're going to another room and not argue with him. My son was wise enough to do this, my H told him to stay seated, my son said firmly but politely that he was not going to do this because of the way he was addressed and still left. What a strength. I was so proud of him and told him afterwards.
MIL sat there and looked at it, a situation I know she always looks forward to very hard, to be able to tell later to anyone who wants to hear about it. I told him briefly that I do not tolerate such behavior towards the children and that we would still talk about it, but not while MIL was there.
On Thursday I did recall this behaviour (maybe I shouldn't but I still did) and meanwhile raised some issues about the divorce (especially with regards to the financial aspect). Also about the house, that I would like an update about whether he would purchase or not, that otherwise we will have to proceed with the sale of the house. Result: spewing, angry H. Made statements like "force me to sell it, you can do that you know", then about the fact that he is under the assumption that I am far from over him, that I still want him but he does not need me anymore, that he would never want me back, etc.
I stayed very calm and polite and said that I no longer want R talk because there is no R anymore and that I just want to handle everything financially. That I am a happy person and that I want nothing more then to settle everything in an adult and polite way, a must in the interest of the children as well.
Next day received several very friendly messages etc. So clearly knew that he had crossed the line again. Just politely answered back.
Saturday visit at BIL (is his brother) and SIL. 2 fantastic people. H was very happy to be there and showed himself (up to a certain point) from his best side. However, the booze flowed freely and he was completely wasted by the end of the evening. Just before that talked about MIL openly, all 4 parties together and we were all on the same track. H also confirmed her manipulative behavior.
Especially SIL has a very difficult relationship with MIL. I can put everything in persective and leave it more behind a little faster but SIL has openly said to her own husband and to us that MIL is a very very bad person because of what she says and does, that she understands that it is their mother but that she had reached some limits. MIL always talks badly about other people to come out well herself, she even goes so far as to do this continuously about her own children, children-in-law and grand children, but she forgets that these people also speak to each other... SIL can no longer deal with it, but she doesn't want to start a fight, so she remains silent.
Then later, on the way back in the car, at one point he took my hand and started rubbing it (of course he was drunk). He did this for a while put at a certain point I gently pulled my hand back as it felt a bit uncomfortable.
Sunday last day. During the day he went away with the children so that I could have a day to myself. (surprisingly he had suggested himself)
In the evening he wanted to talk. I had already seen it coming as it was the last day before he left. (He emptied 1 bottle of wine in ˝ hour to be able to talk)
Talked about his visits to the psychiatrist, that he knows himself better than I could ever imagine, that he knows he is a manipulative control freak and a sociopath (his own words) and that he would like his records from the past when he was little to see if this had been diagnosed at the time but that his mother may have kept this from him. (again given the tip where he can request his records, to him to take the action). That he is unhappy there, drinks way too much etc. just listened and validated.
Left on Monday with very mixed feelings, that much was clear.
As far as I am concerned, being able to keep my distance. Emotional too. Furthermore, took the necessary financial steps that were necessary to be able to continue the divorce based on the little information I got from him the days before. The biggest obstacle is the house. Let's hope this gets settled very soon as well.
In the meanwhile I got a invitation from very good friends to go on a vacation with them to their top luxury appartment in Summer with the children. I kindly accepted it. LOL
Live is good, never thought I would say this again a few months ago.
