I realized I haven't updated in a while so I thought I'd give it a go. I think I may move to the piecing board at some point here since there are so few of us,. Also it's so hard to find threads to read of couples that actually make it to this side, and the anxiety, anger, as well as, the forgiveness and growth.
So I've taken a pause on my Masters classes. Work is an absolute disaster, a bunch of people jumped ship with retirement or otherwise in a very short period of time. I'm doing a bunch of things I normally never do. I'm working ton of hours in and out of the office. D18 is graduating in a month. We've also been house shopping. So it was all too much. IC agreed. I'm resuming classes in July.
D18 has been making huge strides in autonomy and adult decision making. She has terrible phone anxiety and has been doing swimmingly working things out for Fall, the half--a$$ prom they threw for these poor kids, and trying to find a "better" summer job than she usually has. She even made her own doctor's appointment which is a thing I never thought would happen. In her defense the lady at the front desk is pretty, let's go with brusque. The last year has been very surreal and it kind of let me feel like all of this adulthood/growing up stuff wasn't really happening because she was around all the time with Covid. Seeing her all dressed up for prom put me over the edge. I must have cried like 12 times that day. I know it was in part because my mom had to miss this and she really loves this kind of stuff. I know it was also in part because it's my 20 year this year and I was feeling a little nostalgic. But seeing that silly right of passage unfolding really got to me. I'm not sure how I'll handle graduation. Probably not well.
D17 is still giving us all some trouble, but she's at least gotten her school work back up to par. There's a good chance she'll end up in summer school if she wants to graduate on time. But honestly given pre-Covid summers it's probably the best place for her. It keeps her busy and engaged. She is not a kid who can be left to their own devices. My D started her angsty years super early she was just obnoxious and hard to deal with and like from 11-14ish. But by 15 she was over it and we were just done. No more anger for the sake of anger. She's still kind of moody but it's tolerable and gets better every passing year. D17 however started her angsty phase late. So late that H once looked at me and told me 'D17 will never act like that," in the midst of dealing with my D's rough years. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Around the time D17 turned 14 I was asked very politely to not say I told you so. I'm hoping we are coming up on the end of the road here because 18 year olds who act like this tend to have to face some pretty harsh realities.
So H and I pushed all of our splitting up saving back into our joint account and with the spring time government cash infusions we started looking for houses again. This market is a disaster, but given the interest rates and with D18 staying home for undergrad we need the room. We need space for 4 adults. We definitely don't have that. If nothing else Covid made that abundantly clear. As I said this market is something else. I know that what we've been dealing with would definitely lead most couples to fights. It thankfully only lead to one fight.
After our 4th offer and our 4th rejection I was not ok. H called me negative, which is one of the things he'd throw at me during the A, and that he can't deal with me on top of everything else. It really upset me, and I nipped it in the bud immediately. I told him I will not tolerate him talking to me like that. That I was nothing but supportive of him when he was genuinely upset when we lost the first house, and that I would never speak to him that way, so why does he think it's acceptable to talk to me like that. He apologized right away and said I was right. He just said I was crying and he didn't know how to fix that, nothing seemed to work. I explained that I didn't nor do I ever want him to "fix" me. We discussed this in reference to this moment but also about my depression. I also explained that my negative emotions used to come out only as anger. So if I'm crying I'm just processing. This is growth for me. If it's hard for him to see me like that I'm sorry but that's not my responsibility. Those are his feelings and he needs to learn how to deal with it. He agreed. He then said something to the effect of isn't it great when we communicate, and I said that's all I've wanted this whole time.
We have managed to find a house. It's perfect even if it took 6 tries to get us there. We'll be closing in a couple weeks. I'll say it again. I hate that this is the way we had to take to get us here, but if this is what it took for us to not only talk about money like grown ups but to learn how to fight like grown ups I'll take it. I can't say enough about how much I love and appreciate this version of H. He is a much calmer more empathetic and reasonable man than the one in MR 1.0. And I don't feel like I have to just eat it when he's mean because he doesn't know how to deal with his own negative emotions. I don't feel like harboring that resentment and hurt is worth it for the peace any more. I feel like asserting my boundaries for my own personal peace is worth more. Had I really understood how much my exH had me programmed to do the utmost to keep the peace I think I would've waited longer to date again after. I think I would've waited longer to get serious with some one too. I'm not the kind of girl to be trampled on, but basically going from my step-father to my exH I lost a lot of who I was, and ate more than my share of sh!t sandwiches to keep the peace. I don't ever want to go back to that version of my self again. And I think being here really helped bring me along on that realization and that journey.
