Still putting one foot in front of the other...

[Elbereth]

I compare dealing with a WAS/WS like trying to pattern deer for hunting. Just when you think you have them patterned, they change behavior. Trying to make sense or reconcile the WAS/WS behavior will drive you batty.

Don't let it confuse you. He has separation anxiety and you don't want to ease that for him. That is why NC is so important.

So true. I was ill yesterday and in bed most of the day. H showed more concern than usual...and at one point it came out why. He was concerned that his being here in the home is what was causing me to stay in bed all day. I wanted to say that it isn't that he is here, but yes, his blowing up my life does affect my health. But I didn't want to engage with that conversation. It would lead to R talks. Maybe a part of me is dreading all the packing and preparations I need to do even if some other part of me is so ready to get on with it. My digestion is messed up, I've had strange rashes, and then headaches and migraines. So even if I am functioning and acting strong and doing self-care, my body is still acknowledging that what I am going through is hard and stressful. So hard to get where his head is at and I know not to try to make sense of it, but it still bugs me.

“...right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again.” - You hit the nail of the head and I think you don’t realize it. H is who he is right now. He was a different person, someone you cared about. Will he be this way from now on, or will he return, or someone in between, or worse, or better. I do not know. No one can predict the future. What matters is not who H becomes, it’s who you become.

“I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore.” - We all start out standing for our spouse. We gain wisdom and realize we must stand for ourselves.

I understand and empathize with your feelings. Can you guess what I’m about to affirm? Feelings are fleeting. They flit when not reinforced. Do not make life decisions based upon feelings. You are right, you feel like you cannot stand anymore, especially if you are just standing for H. What do you believe? Deep down. Your convictions. Are you happy with them? Proud of them? Inspired by them?

Stand for you. Because you are worth it!!! Believe that.

The path is counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. It will seem wrong. Right up until it isn’t. Beliefs affect and influence all aspects of our lives - love, hate, compassion, Grace, forgiveness, judging, and so on. Strengthen, craft, alter, and discard as necessary to become.

Focus on you and continue your fine inner reflection and work. Never lose sight that you are a wonderful soul. And do choose the path of Grace when you can, for its blessings are many. (((Hugs)))

Yes, yes. I'm doing my best to do this. I am proud of putting myself first. I am doing my best to stand for me now. Well, I better get some packing done today if I am moving out in 4 weeks or so...

Thanks friends for listening and for your support.

El.