Yeah, our emotional state is all over the place for a while. The seemingly endless limbo and that weird numbness from indifference are not permanent. They wax and wane, as does our depression as we progress towards understanding and acceptance.
It is good you are not working to ignore any of your feelings. That is precisely how one embraces their emotions, acknowledging them and allowing them to be felt.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
In fact, I wonder if he was ever the person I thought he was.
Tread gently and do not go to far down this path. You know your history, do not rewrite it. We have an amazing capacity to reason and create. It is completely normal to question the person H has become, to wonder if he maybe he was all along. It matters not. He is who he is currently. And he was different before.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
It appears he is weak and lacks true character. But after reading about emotionally unavailable people, I wonder if these behaviors are his walls he puts up. I am not really sure what to think about him.
It takes time to find one’s understanding and rationalizing of the events that have befallen us and our spouse. Answers are coming, in time.
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But he isn't a good person right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again. I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore.
“But” usually leads some form of justification. Please consider the following:
“But he isn't a good person...” - H is not a bad person. Sure, he is exhibiting bad behaviour and poor choices, yet he is not a bad person. See the sinner and the sin as two separate items, for they are. You can and should place boundaries on sinful or disrespectful behaviours. It is completely fine to protect one’s self, and hold others properly accountable.
The path of Grace you are hopefully seeking is love the sinner and forgive the sin.
The usual dogma is love/forgive the sinner and hate the sin. That is not compassion and is definitely not Grace. It keeps the forgiver in a place of higher moral position. True forgiveness is a non-transactional exchange; the sinner does not need to perform anything to earn your forgiveness.
Grace, and the acts it inspire, seem a risky venture. Grace has no immediate return, nor promise of any. People, society, see and are programmed to conduct transactionally and therefore shy away from Grace. Yet, an act of Grace is wondrous and powerful. Unconditional love and forgiving is often the very act that encourages and draws the sinner to repent.
“...right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again.” - You hit the nail of the head and I think you don’t realize it. H is who he is right now. He was a different person, someone you cared about. Will he be this way from now on, or will he return, or someone in between, or worse, or better. I do not know. No one can predict the future. What matters is not who H becomes, it’s who you become.
“I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore.” - We all start out standing for our spouse. We gain wisdom and realize we must stand for ourselves.
I understand and empathize with your feelings. Can you guess what I’m about to affirm? Feelings are fleeting. They flit when not reinforced. Do not make life decisions based upon feelings. You are right, you feel like you cannot stand anymore, especially if you are just standing for H. What do you believe? Deep down. Your convictions. Are you happy with them? Proud of them? Inspired by them?
Stand for you. Because you are worth it!!! Believe that.
The path is counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. It will seem wrong. Right up until it isn’t. Beliefs affect and influence all aspects of our lives - love, hate, compassion, Grace, forgiveness, judging, and so on. Strengthen, craft, alter, and discard as necessary to become.
Focus on you and continue your fine inner reflection and work. Never lose sight that you are a wonderful soul. And do choose the path of Grace when you can, for its blessings are many. (((Hugs)))
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
