A year on and standing 2

[ToSmile]

Hi Steve,

Through the marriage, I was doing the Nice Guy thing and after BD, I am guilty of all except the watching her spending, snooping and gaslighting.

I just have the strong feeling that either my first divorce help book was wrong or I interpreted it wrongly. But anyway, I am leaving that behind because the past is something I can't change. For now, I am directing my thoughts and actions not towards saving the marriage. I am steering myself away from the marriage instead, not in the sense of "venturing out" but to drop the topic totally from my mind. I am focusing on the work outs, the kids, and everything else except her and the marriage. And it really felt good this week except I nearly had a melt down couple of days ago due to working at home for a couple of days with 2 kids that's ill and added on with some issues from my family. Just tried to get out of the situation by going out alone yesterday night when the wife was back and the kids asleep to catch a breather.

LH, I think love died over time in my marriage. The fun and playfulness were gone for me especially when the kids arrived and mounting financial commitments. She was earning more than me and perhaps my subconscious feeling of inferiority drove me to focus all on my work and I turned into a no fun guy, very different from whom I was. I dislike hassles and just want things to be done in the most effective and efficient way without having to say the "I told you so" and follows by having to make things good. I was like a nanny and all the fun was gone too. Likely she did try to reach out too. Until she gave up as she failed to capture my attention. I still remember she told me to give her a hug every morning when we are in the elevator but at that point in time, my thoughts were all the projects, deadlines and meeting the numbers at work and expenses at home.

The rationalizing and apologizing part were true for me as well. So that's how it all failed. I can't change the past. What I can do is just shed that weight, armor & know it all ego of mine and free everyone. I'll just look at myself and leave the rest alone and take one step a time at this new direction that I am heading.

I really appreciate the pointing out of the passive controlling behavior and the sharing of the wonderful quote above. It means and makes me feel so much lighter now even though I am reading this after a long work day. Look forward to be receiving more of these wise words.