Hi Wolfman. Sorry you are going through this. I wouldn’t take your ex’s use of the word “terrified” to heart. Even if that is what your D said, I doubt she meant she was terrified of you. Rather, she was terrified of the potential confrontation that could ensue if you had attended the home and tried to force the issue. That likely started when you tried to call her once she had told you what she wanted via text. If I told someone via text that I didn’t want to spend time with them and they immediately called me, my assumption would definitely be that they were wanting to challenge me on it. This is a 13 year-old girl. She does not have great communication skills. And many kids that age LOATHE talking on the phone. Assuming she told you when she was texting you that she didn’t want to go, that would be the perfect opportunity to say to her the things we have been suggesting... “I’m disappointed because I miss you. I hope you change your mind and you know you can always text me if you do. No pressure...I would just like to work on having a good relationship with you regardless of where you live. And...by the way...I will be coming by to get your brother but I will honour your wishes in wanting to stay at your mom’s. Love you lots.” That’s all you need to do. It’s not fair. It’s not what you want BUT it is what she wants...right now. Regardless of what role your ex is playing in that, it is still what she wants and you need to respect that. What other choice do you have? You can’t forcefully drag her out of the house. You can’t control what your ex says or does. All you can do is control you. Spend time with your son, be a good dad to him and keep the door open with your daughter. Pretty soon her idea of you will shift because it will become more and more incongruent with what she observes. I know this is an awful situation Wolfman. Stay the course. It will shift over time. Maybe once the new baby is here she will want to spend time with him/her and you will have a natural “in” with her. Stay the course. You will make it through.
BTW...regarding fighting in court. I think you should definitely ask for 50% custody and guardianship... I’m assuming that is what you are fighting for? If it is about forcing your D to go with you, though, that would be a waste of time, in my opinion. Once a kid hits teenage years, that horse if out of the barn and galloping down the road. You can have all of the orders you want, kids still vote with their feet. Work on your relationship with her in whatever way you can. Trying to force anything will only make you the “problem” in her eyes and she won’t have to look at her mom’s behaviour or her own. Don’t be the problem. (((HUGS)))
