Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

Acceptance is pretty neat. Yes, there is still sadness and hurt; yet it is greatly diminished - accepted as it were.

Hope returns and endures, and morphs somewhat; less for what our spouse might do and more for who we can/will become. It’s such an interesting path to walk.

I agree, you do not want to feel nothing. Even indifference still has some feelings, although greatly attenuated. And indifference is not a permanent situation; like all feelings, it is temporary.

It hits me all over again: he doesn't love me. And then my reaction highlights the fact that we seem to be in very different places. I start questioning again--how can he move on so quickly? What if he never really loved me? But I felt it--I saw it. Then how can it just disappear? How can 17 years just be all in the past, no big deal? MLC or not, maybe the simple answer is he loved me once and just doesn't love me anymore. But how can that be? ...

And I'm stuck in this particular little circle. I can acknowledge the pain and sadness, that it's just there, alongside everything else. But it's also just so dang hard to love this person and enjoy his company now but see the contrast between how he interacts with me, how I interact with him, and how I feel inside.

We do get stuck in that wee circular path for a bit. And we all need a certain amount of understanding before we can let go.

I am going to pass on a few things, a few items for you and your beliefs. You are free to challenge them, not just blindly accept them. In fact, I encourage you to challenge them for that creates strong beliefs.

MLC is real. As unbelievable as MLC is, is the very crux of the problem - it is so unbelievable (at first). You, of course, have not used the word unbelievable in quite some time (so very well done by the way since our minds are always listening). You are working on rationalizing H’s irrational behaviour which is leading to so many questions and challenges of your observations and beliefs. Rationalizing is part of gaining that understanding we need and seek.

MLCers become opposite of who they once were. They are driven by such emotional pressures and torment they just run from everything - not to anything, from everything.

MLCers are emotionally stunted and need to grow up. They are stunted from the time of their trauma(s). For most, this is during their informative years, so they are emotionally rather immature, and compound that with the crisis level emotional problems they are running from. These lost souls have their emotions cranked to eleven and cannot handle anything or anyone else. They have no empathy. An emotionally troubled individual is unable to reach out, to feel, another person for they cannot understand their own feelings never mind another’s.

MLCers do not not love you. Their love is just buried and ran from along with everything else. During their slipping away into the abyss much is lost from them. They have incorrectly projected and blamed LBS, kids, pets, family for their unhappiness and throw us all away. To do such an act requires burying much under layers of false justifications. 17 years is no big deal to H because that’s the way it has to be. One cannot love or empathize when one doesn’t love themselves.

MLCers may not find their way back. Granted a few do. Their path is their’s and on their time. They must face what has been unfaceable and grow and heal from there.

cardinal, you have a strong emotional intelligence. This clearly shows in your empathetic views, your compassion, and your love. From my own experience, a lot of these questions regarding H’s love, you asking of yourself as well - that challenging of beliefs and values.

That notebook used to live in the living room, and shortly after BD I flipped through it and found a letter that he'd been writing to a friend before we were married, all about how well I understood him and how he was so happy to be with me. So that memory hurt. Then H showed me a funny drawing in it, that's all. It brought me right back to that time period, though, before we were M, to all that was then, and as soon as he left the room I was crying. It feels like he has no trouble bringing up stuff that happened in our past, like it's all a slightly fond, distant memory. Like since he's moved on completely, these memories or references are not fraught at all. Like he assumes I'm on the same page, fine with being friends and roommates and wanting nothing more. But for me, all these little references are kind of gutting, all the more because from what I see, they don't carry the same (any) emotional weight for him.

MLC is emotional time travel on steroids. Like your trip down memory lane triggered from the funny drawing, H is similarly taken to his younger self and those hidden torments. For H his destination is from a time and place before you were even in his life. This is the time he is mired in. Emotionally stunted adolescent.

The drawing had you recall the period of those days. The emotions, the connection, the feelings, the future you looked upon and the promise it held, and the sharp contrast to the present day. You are emotionally strong and healthy and can handle it appropriately, crying being a healthy response.

H recalls that period as well - somewhat. His is more a visitor, like you stated, more of a fond distant memory. Remember he is emotionally mired at a time years earlier. His responses, behaviours, and emotions are those of that young guy. And that young guy didn’t know you, nor have much life experience, nor experiences or feelings of being with you, and so on. It is quite amazing, and so very darn hard to accept, rationalize, and believe.

H has, and has not, moved on from these memories. He is emotionally running and keeping ahead of them. When he tires, when he is at rest, especially at night laying in bed in the dark, his demons come out to play and torment.

Running requires a lot of emotional investment in maintaining his fantasy reality. His lack of apparent emotional weight to stimulus and memory is real and not. He really cannot face that he might be wrong, so he portrays the facade you see. Fate and life’s events will continue to steer and alter his path, it is up to him when/if he will yield and look within.

MLC or not, maybe the simple answer is he loved me once and just doesn't love me anymore. But how can that be? ...

For what it’s worth, it is MLC, and it is not simple.

Beliefs and acceptance. Keep challenging and questioning for understanding and acceptance is a pursuit as much as a destination.

I've never had trouble finding love for H, even if some days I don't like him much, you know? Not in our M and not now. I know that is a strength of mine even though it hurts.

That is an excellent conviction to possess.

It is incredible how deep love actually goes, well beyond feelings, most definitely a belief.

Hope and love at first blush would appear to keep one stuck, when it is in fact the opposite. This counterintuitive path is a blessed one. Define yourself by strong inspiring beliefs.

D