I'm always watching just so you know but things are so different over here, I rarely feel I have much to contribute. Sometimes I feel too young to have much of anything wise to say. And sometimes I feel too lucky to put in my two cents in sitches that drag out like they do with a real MLC. But this struck me and I couldn't pass by without comment.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Two other things come to mind, though. One is that I was listening to an interview with a writer I love the other day, and she said, it often seems to be that people who are married the longest are psychologists or therapists or people who study human nature in some capacity, because they understand that at some point in any relationship you are probably going to believe you married the wrong person, but that doesn't mean it's true.
And also my friend who likes to say that in a long relationship or marriage, you probably won't feel like you're in love forever, but you have to recognize that feelings change all the time, and that doesn't mean you should base your decisions on them. (Is she quoting DnJ? LOL.) You may feel like you don't love your S for a year, but that doesn't mean that love won't return.
I've never had trouble finding love for H, even if some days I don't like him much, you know? Not in our M and not now. I know that is a strength of mine even though it hurts.
This was something H and I circled over and over as we R'd and still circle over and over again. He had never been in a relationship that lasted more than a couple of years before me. And He didn't really have an example of long standing love. He only had one in his life and there was an A there too. But they moved past it, but I can't say how much the LBW has actually moved past any of it. She still brings it up. It's been almost15 years since.
I however had my grandparents who are going on their 59th year. And my aunt and uncle who each married their high school sweet hearts. They are hitting mile stones this summer respectively at 30 and 25 years. I think a huge part of the reason I am the way I am is because I've learned to love through the hard stuff my entire life. I learned that you will not always like the person you love. You will not always love the person you love in the same way. That you will both change, and hopefully grow, and the best you can both do is wait for the other person to catch up or at the very least be willing to be supportive during that time. You will get hurt, and frustrated, and sometimes even apathetic in your relationship but if you always choose to turn inward instead of outward things will fall back into place, maybe not the the same order, but back into stead foundation.
I've seen all of those relationship bloom and wither, and storm and shine. I think people who don't understand that love is verb not a noun don't truly understand that love doesn't equal happiness. Love is selflessness in the name of a promise, a promise to weather the storms even the ones of our own creation. It's an agreement to do the hard things and make the hard choices not because it's what we want or because it makes us happy, but because it's what must be done. H said he never understood what selfless love looked until he watched me carry on with my life and the girls life bending over backwards to make things stayed as "normal" and as stable for them as possible. And how he was so awful to me and yet I treated him with kindness and never gave up on him. This isn't the way I would've wanted him to learn how long term love works. If I could've chosen a different path for us I would've. But this is the one we took.
Not everyone had the wherewithal or the ability to be self sacrificing to make love last. H apparently isn't. Maybe he never was. But you cardinal, you have what it takes. Take comfort in knowing that all that your heart has been through you are a person who can weather the storms and make it for the long haul. That takes strength, courage, grace and and insurmountable faith in humanity. How beautiful of a soul you are because of that.
