Hmmm...that’s an interesting question CW. I think that the break up of my marriage has changed me somewhat. I don’t promise forever anymore...doesn’t mean I don’t hope for it but I definitely don’t promise it. In this particular case, I do think the distance was a factor as I was already spending 80 per cent of my time without him so I knew breaking up wasn’t going to make a huge difference in how I’ve been living my life day-to-day. I also became very aware of our differences, in terms of our world views, quite early on so I think that was in the back of my mind the entire time. I think I was committed to giving us a fair chance because there were a lot of other things that did make us a good match and I do think he is a good person with a big heart.
TDH and I had actually had a few discussions about my concerns prior to the break up so he was well aware of my fear they may ultimately prove to be a deal breakers in the long run. Consequently, I don’t think either of us were ‘all in” and planning any big moves. Mostly we had agreed to live life in the moment and see what happens. But, over time, as I became more aware of the other issues apart from that, it was getting a lot harder to maintain that outlook. I realized that staying with the “wait and see” approach was ultimately doing a disservice to myself and to him. After our last disagreement, I knew in my heart of hearts that we weren’t going to work out and that putting it off was only prolonging the pain. I didn’t need to do a lot of explaining...he knew where I was coming from.
I’m not sure if you need to add a relationship skill so much as you need to engage in a regular practice of self reflection. What helped me is asking myself this question... “If this was a friend in the exact same situation, what advice would I give to them?” I had absolutely no question about what advice I would give once I was able to I step outside of myself and look at things objectively. So I followed it and I know it was the right thing to do.
Ultimately I think what a lot of us on here struggle with is how to open up and be vulnerable enough to let someone in without giving them the power to send us into an emotional spiral when/if it doesn’t work out. I think that is something I’ve gotten better at doing over time. I’ve never had a problem with the first half of that equation...I’m open and vulnerable with almost everyone I meet. It’s just who I am. I have very, very few walls built up even though one can argue that I should given all that has transpired in my life. The emotional spiral part is a continual work in progress, for sure, but it is getting easier over time. Anyway...I do tend to ramble so I’m not sure if that answers your question but I hope so. Happy to keep talking about it though.
