I am late to the game here, but I hope you are still feeling better and stronger and, like WF says, turning that compassion toward yourself.
Originally Posted by Sage4
I just so desperately want to authentically be me. Kind, loving, compassionate, considerate of others, accommodating where I can. A good friend. A good person. My R with H is the only inauthentic arena of my life and it is killing me. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do.
I empathize with this so much. I remember writing something very similar not too long ago, struggling with feeling inauthentic, false around my H. I still feel this way sometimes. But your H's reaction to your vulnerability and honesty reminds me why it just won't work. They're just really unable to handle it--to see it, to, as Gerda says, see us, empathize with us, or even mostly, it seems, when they are in this state, to receive compassion. Maybe deep down your H doesn't believe he is worthy of your kindness or love, or of kindness or love.
At any rate, regardless of what you can or can't express to your H, you are authentic. You are kind, loving, compassionate, a good friend, a good person, all of that and more. His behavior doesn't change who you are.
