Well it's been 288 days since last posting here, last Independence Day to be exact. My time here had been brief and was in the immediate wake of Bomb Drop, a difficult time in which I was trying to cope with the shock and betrayal, hoping to better understand just what the heck had happened over the previous year or two while trying to see if there was even the slightest chance, or hope, of reconnecting with my W. After having been here for a few months, tracking other people's sitches, some consultation with a DB coach and reading with interest what the vets had to say, it quickly became clear there wasn't going to be any getting back together with the W anytime soon or probably ever. Man was I naive.
If there was one thing I wish I had realized to be as axiomatic as the sun rising in the East and setting in the West prior to BD day is that when a WAS informs an unsuspecting spouse of their intent to file for divorce and, "oh by the way there's someone else and I wasn't really out running errands today like I told you I was going to do but I was actually at OM's place", they are SO FAR GONE already, SO Emotionally Checked Out and divorced from that spouse and probably have been for quite a while, that the only logical response for the poor LBS at that precise moment is to probably say "well, sorry it's come to this, I wish you every happiness, it's been a great so many number of years, give my best to OM, but I'm outta here, like NOW!" Then disappear, make yourself conspicuously scarce and visit your lawyer. Well, it's fun to fantasize about another course of action I could have taken at that moment, and of course I write this in jest as I'm pretty certain it rarely ever goes down like this. The other thing is we didn't have children together and I can't imagine being so cavalier when that's the case as their well-being would have been foremost in my mind. But I sometimes wonder what might have been different if I had been expecting it and better prepared rather than making many of the typical mistakes made by unsuspecting LBSs, in house, for five miserable destructive weeks. We live and learn I suppose.
The 2nd half of 2020 was better. I began to sleep more than four or five hours a night and my appetite slowly came back. GAL is tougher during the era of social distancing but I reached out to many of my friends from the past who I had neglected for far too long during the marriage. It was good for the soul to reconnect with them, talk about old times and to make plans to do things later on once it's more safe for everyone to do so. The 2nd half of the year was political season so I was involved with that. I started to read more. I was anxious to start to experiencing a life that was outside the context of the one I had known for the previous 14 years where everything seemed to revolve around the relationship with W. I was anxious to see and feel that there is another life out there waiting and it can be good, maybe even less stressful and quite fulfilling and enjoyable. I started to get involved with some of the activities of my past, a few that W had either been hostile to or simply didn't relate to. I made up my mind that I was going to get back in touch with CORE Bob. Maybe I'll get back out on a golf course this summer and see how many sand bunkers I can find after not having had the sticks out for almost ten years. I still have a ways to go, especially in terms of detachment. I've read up on it. I think I have a better understanding now than I did before about what it actually is. I'm often reminded of Steve talking about self-differentiation in relationships. But I'll admit it, lovingly detaching from this person has been one of the most challenging things I've attempted. I'll always love the woman I once knew and married. I still miss her but I try not to think about it. Strangely enough I just don't think she exists anymore.
And speaking of her she and the paramour have sold their respective properties and have purchased waterfront property on Long Island Sound along the CT coast. When she and her lawyer brought this up I almost asked her when exactly in 2018 or 2019 did the two of them start planning on this course of action. I know when Waywards and their special friends hop on the Dopamine Express to Fantasy Land they can act like they've known each other all their lives and make rash life decisions, and why not seeing that they finally found their "soulmates who get them like no other ever has"?, but the speed in which she's zoomed off is stunning, so it makes me, and others, wonder. We don't communicate much except for when we have no choice like to discuss taxes, some other items of business, and brief pleasant exchanges during the transfers of our Golden Retriever. Brief, pleasant in a borderline coolish & indifferent way, and I'm always the first to say "take it easy" and go. One of the friends I've been back in touch with told me he and his wife know of at least 10 other couples over the last two years that are splitting, all blindsided, and all involving a spouse that flipped. As an old-fashioned kind of guy who believes in the institution of marriage I find it kind of depressing. Divorce seems all the rage I guess. Fewer and fewer want to make the commitment and put in the work. Marriage almost seems like a crapshoot these days. And we think we know someone, but do we really know them? I don't know, all I know is I'm committed to living a happy life and I'm going to keep working on it. Maybe some day I'll even be glad this all happened and think it was for the best.
I'm not here often, at least not here writing, so I want to thank those who reached out to me last year to offer a perfect stranger help during a truly awful, confusing and challenging time. I could list quite a few but I may forget some, and I want to particularly thank SteveLH aka Steve85, whose advice and words helped me see the only course I had available to me at the time. It took a while for it all to sink in but I think it finally did.
