A year on and standing 2

[BL42]

ToSmile,

Just read through your entire thread. 3 years of telling you she wants divorce, disrespecting you, having affairs (coming home at 3 and 5am, texting in your child's bed...etc.). That must be extremely difficult and wear on you over time. I know from my own situation of in-house separation it's hard and soul-crushing, and that was "only" 5 months. I did see some similar behaviors...

one day she was cooking for my parents, and another day she suddenly handed my parents some gifts and such. Thus I am kinda confuse by her behaviour. She will still tend to be very close with my family members, cousins, aunts and such even though previously she had been avoiding gathering sessions with them

Should I see these signs as something positive or jus ignore it? Actually one think I am always curious about is, what are the signs if she is coming back and how do I react from there?

My W would invite my parents over for Sunday dinner in the midst of our IHS/sitch. I knew from my snooping (which she didn't know about) she was telling her AP and friends it was to "keep the peace" and pretend everything was happy" so I wouldn't spill the beans. I forget the exact term but she would tell her AP she even though it was hard (to play nice at home) she would do it so I wouldn't blow up his life. I decided to play along and play nice husband/family and have my parents over (even though they felt sick about it and didn't want to) to show her what a "nice/loving" family looked like as my counselor suggested and hopefully show her what she'd be missing. Turns out we were all playing an unhealthy charade. Wish now I had stood up stronger in the beginning as my tact didn't change a thing in terms of the outcome anyway.

The other funny thing is she is still carrying out home improvement stuffs during this period such as planting & potting, getting a cpu fixed up for the kids and such.

Sometimes I wonder if I am dealing with a mentally ill or a WW.

My wife gardened, bought new carpet, did massive prepping/cleaning around the house for Spring...all shortly before moving out. It was like a bizarre riddle there was no answer to. Even after separation and her living with OM2, bought me what would've been a really nice Christmas present of a picture of my son and I...except it wasn't nice, because why would I want something like that from her at this point?

TS you sound like a very smart man but these are the kind of comments that I bet go you into trouble. Love is playful and kind. Do you see how enforcing boundaries and lecturing may have worn on your W over the years?

Just an observation.

If you ever watched the Smurfs, I'd say we should aspire to be more like Papa Smurf (who shared good ideas when asked) and less like Brainy Smurf (who shared good ideas ALL THE TIME).

Good thoughts here by LH/CWarrior. I probably was guilty of too much advice and lecturing, and will work on that going forward - don't take that to mean it justifies the affairs, deceit and disrespect your W is showing you though!

This earlier comment resonates with me...

So I just went back and read your opening thread and I think it's really time to think about what your standing for and what you want out of the second half of your life. Your W is a kook who doesn't respect you or marriage.

I know you you are worried about your children but the truth is that they will be better with a normal and stable parent 50% of the time. It will likely be many, many years if ever that you see a reappearance of your old wife.

You make mention of your W being like Wolf's wife well the is about the bottom of the barrel for WWs.

Show your children what a strong male looks like.

To me the bottom line is how long are you willing to take this situation and her treatment of you? I'm not advocating divorce, as ideally everyone would work on the marriage and fix the issues, but if the other person isn't willing to work on it there has to be a point in every sitch you pull the plug. For me, my W took the action and I didn't have to make the choice but I firmly believe 3 years would be much to long for me. Yes, most of us are afraid of the impact to the kids - it's certainly not ideal - but then is witnessing your W's behavior and seeing you live with it good for them either? Unfortunately your W has put you and the kids in a bad position either way and unfortunately you need to decide the best way for you to play the cards she dealt you. Good luck. I'm certainly wishing the best for you and your children.