Journey of me and H part 3

[DnJ]

Hello PLC

Feeling depressed every now and then is perfectly normal. (((Hugs)))

I am irritated with myself, as I thought I had forgiven him in my mind, and I have thought of things to punish him in the event of a divorce. I realize i have further to go.

You are doing really good. Honest.

Those temporary thoughts are bouncing around due to subconscious influences. Those same influences get our feelings all stirred around too. It will pass.

Forgiveness is a choice, a decision. I love how how you have forgiving H in your mind. That is exactly how forgiveness starts and grows. We control our mind, which in turn influences our emotions, and our beliefs. We influence, and in time “believe” in forgiveness. From then on it is more self reinforcing requiring only small inputs and adjustments.

True, you do have further to go. Which is an excellent realization of self.

Another realization - just because you feel and think a bit differently doesn’t negate all the forgiveness you have gained. Beliefs take time and more importantly - and you won’t make a strong belief without this - take challenging that belief.

As we find more and more forgiveness, or most any internal change, we challenge it. We test it. We fight against ourselves and the change that is happening within. Perfectly normal. And a really good thing as you want strong beliefs that can stand up to the storms of life.

Altering and changing our internal belief structure also leads to some grief. I know, how weird. Letting go of those less desirable attributes we hold/held is a loss of something that was comfortable and known. Acceptance is emotional understanding and that path is an odd journey. Our rational mind cannot make it go any faster, nor “figure” it out for our emotional self. Our mind, our mental assertiveness, influences us and gently propels us towards that which we seek. And we grieve and struggle along the way.

I look upon these setback moments as steps forwards. For they really are signposts of progress.

Wanting to punish is anger; “in the event of a divorce” is seeing acceptance; wanting to speak to H is bargaining; there is depression as well. You are passed denial of your beliefs and heading towards acceptance and forgiveness; and some new, and some old and much stronger beliefs and values. Believe me.

I was jealous. I want him to ask me if I want to go for a walk. I am happy that he is feeling up to seeing a friend and exercising, I just want him to hang out with me voluntarily.

I understand and empathize.

H is not there yet. He is reaching out to his friends. Pretty amazing actually. A MLCer’s way back happens in the reverse order that it blew up; from least damage to greatest. More or less - pets, friends, kids, spouse. We are last. We were hurt the most, and therefore will be last to be reached out to.

That is not a slight from H against who you are or anything to do with you. This is all about H and where he is emotionally. And where he is - is spending time with friends who he had mostly written off as he ran off to his new shiny world.

His way back is slow and will have plenty of depression - and frozen dinners. He is growing up from when he was emotionally stunted. That is going to take time, and space, and no pressure. Dig for patience my friend. Focus on you. And keep those expectations low. All for you, and your sanity.

H hanging out with you voluntarily might happen in time. Even probably will happen in time. So continue as you have been and give it time. There has been progress of which I’ve no doubt you see. H filling your tank and washing your car. Hanging with friends, no OW, and chatting with you normally. Good signs among the weird confusion.

H’s path is on his time.

Stay strong. Strengthen those beliefs, and continue moving forward. You are doing very well.

D