One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Hello friends. I've not been able to sit on down and really take the time to respond until now. Been keeping busy and had some nice evenings with friends, and lots of work stuff this week, so that is good. All your responses have given me so much to think about!

However, it seems to me he is a bit of a piece of work. When he starts feeling stressed or overwhelmed in his current marriage he goes looking for something else. Depression, avoidant, not being there for his spouse, all sound like deep character flaws that can only be worked through with intense therapy, and certainly not alcohol. At this point I would be running for the door if I were you!

I'm struggling with this...as I have been dwelling on these thoughts for a while now and I'm not really sure what to think anymore. I've been cautioned about rewriting my past with H, but I can't help but wonder if the person I thought he was, was a mirage? Maybe his flaws became more intense or obvious due to the crisis? Or maybe they were there and I ignored them? I don't know...but I do know that this person he is now is not who I want to be with. I agree with what you say below...that's the goal!

So take your time. Learn to be happy alone. Do the work necessary on yourself and don't jump into something new right away. We are about the same age, and at our age everyone we meet will have their own emotional baggage. Make sure they've worked through all of that themselves, and that you have through yours, before jumping into something again.

As far as men go. You have a pretty good sampling of guys here who understand what it is to be with a strong woman, and have an appreciation for it. But I can say weak men in particular are drawn to strong women, they fix things, and get sh!t done. Thus eliminating their need to. It's all rainbow and roses to them until we get sick of carrying the burden of being the only adult in the relationship. Then we're controlling, and never happy, and they're never enough. You know because you asked them to clean up after themselves, or take care of their kids, or heaven forbid ask to be a priority in their lives. They then will follow you up with a weak willed women who lets them do what they want, when they want, and allows them to be the superhero when all they are offering is the absolute bare minimum.

Strong men also love a strong women, and in all the right ways. They love to be challenged. They love that they don't have to carry the burden of the relationship or the household. They love the decisiveness, and the fiery attitude even if that part isn't always their favorite. They love a woman who speaks her mind. Says what she wants and needs. And most of all how a strong woman loves. Because we truly love with ever fiber of our being.

Your H wants a doormat who will do everything for him with out complaint. You aren't that person. And he can't fool you about who he really is any more.

OMG Wayfarer, I about spit out my coffee when I read this! As usual, you have a way with words that hit me to the core. I think you may be right about my H...and it makes me sad. Goes along with my struggle with if the man I married was a mirage, but this is the real him. I love him (truly with every fiber of my being), but this description rings so true for my situation that I am even more solid on moving on to the big D. If this is the man he is, he isn't good for me, and loving him will just continue to suck the life out of me...

You know me LH, I don't mince my words about guys who play act at being men when they are really just little boys.

Thanks all for the banter on my thread...I love it! Tell us Wayfarer...what do you think of men vs boys? lol

I wanted to pop in and just echo what a few others have said-- you're super strong and have a great head on your shoulders. And, when you've got both DnJ AND Wayfarer commenting on your posts, you know you're getting incredible advice so I'm just here to add a bit of moral support!

The only thing I wanted to comment on is this-- I know it is natural to want to dissect the MR issues with your H in your head, his weakness, incapacity to be a good partner, etc. I think that can be helpful for detaching as you start to see him as a human being and not just your H, is this someone you'd choose to be with if you were meeting him now, and all those related questions. All that being said, I also think you want to balance out time spent ruminating there with all the GAL stuff you're doing so well, and put some limits on that so that you're filling your cup with healthy and positive future-oriented things even while you allocate some time to thinking about your H and your MR

Yes, I am trying, but as I said, my brain/heart keeps dissecting my H and what my MR has been like. Maybe it's what is allowing me to face the D. I don't know...I'm trying to just focus on my goals and my plans. The whole limbo of the current moment is not helping. I do have a lot of things going on, so I am really not focused solely on stuff with H, and his flaws. But, your suggestion is good to ensure I don't waste too much time on what I can't answer, control, or affect right now, so best to focus my energy on better things that are about me and my future. I'm trying!

As for everyone's comments on relationships and finding the right person, thanks for the perspectives. I am not sure what my feelings will be when I start to date again, but I believe that one has to create a list in their minds of top 3-5 things the person must have, and a list of 3-5 flags that if they show up, then you move on asap. The top list should be more than just looks and such, but deeper things you can't live without in a partner. The rest is chemistry and hopefully some interesting things you like but hadn't thought of (when you actually start meeting folks you are interested in). I'm not sure I would run with someone who is totally into me more than I am them, and vice versa. But hell, what do I know? This is coming from the gal who thought she was getting a man and got stuck with a little boy! This will be my second D...so I think I am not choosing well (and I really need Wayfarer to help me find a real MAN next time around)!

Thanks all!

xo
El