So, I mentioned that I was off this week. Today, I had work I usually do from home this morning. D was working (actually, still is for another hour) I had a day once I was done with my "work" with nothing to do and no motivation to do anything.
I felt like I could just go to bed. I think I am depressed. I know "bigger picture" why I am feeling this way, but I usually push through.
H came home and we had a normal chat. He then left to walk for exercise. I am friends with one of his friends on social media and he posted where they were. The friend has a young daughter and they were with her. No other people were with them. While I am glad that there was not any women around (as far as I could tell), I was jealous. I want him to ask me if I want to go for a walk. I am happy that he is feeling up to seeing a friend and exercising, I just want him to hang out with me voluntarily.
I am irritated with myself, as I thought I had forgiven him in my mind, and I have thought of things to punish him in the event of a divorce. I realize i have further to go.
I don't know if the fact that the two year anniversary of the first BD is in a few weeks, or if having this time off has forced me to think about things.
I hate feeling this way. I am giving power to him and I need to take it back. I go back and forth of what I would say to him about R and I know he is no where near even thinking about it! Why do I want to even entertain speaking to him??? I know that he does not know that I know of the OWs. He also has a situation where frozen meals and doing laundry are on his agenda. My IC tells me that when he did BD 1, he was leaving me to go be with someone else and he would not have to think about such boring things. He was in a hotel for over three months for a job where a hotel restaurant fed him and made up his room and bed and did his laundry. So now there is that added part that he will have to take care of those things (and he has) if we divorce. I continue, as you know, to cook meals for D and I and buy things we want to eat.
I just am in a stinky head space and I hate it. Tomorrow, I know he will wake up in the morning and get my car washed and my tank filled. Why do I know this? Because I asked if he might get my tank filled and he said sure. He always says yes and always gets it washed afterwards. I cannot even remember when I got gas. He is very thoughtful and I thank him each time.
