Still taking it a day at a time (2)

[may22]

Wow, judgy, judgy. TBH a bit disappointing. I do try to keep in mind that everyone here has been deeply hurt and has needed to make their own meaning out of what has happened to them, but as this site is focused on self-improvement and growth, I have to say it does feel a bit off to hear some of this.

I'm with Wayfarer on this one. I have always believed in the ability of humans to grow and change and the power of forgiveness. In fact, in my own situation, I feel that belief is being tested-- why do I have a hard time applying this belief to my own life and my own husband, and forgiving him for his past actions? I resent, a bit, the implication that I (and other LBSs who reconcile) have pretzeled my own morals to allow for forgiveness, and that those actions somehow reflect on my own character for the worse. Or that I'm living in some fantasy la-la land, pretending my H is really not so bad but really will spend the rest of my life fearfully waiting for the other shoe to drop, all simply because I didn't choose D and am trying to make myself feel better about that decision. Sorry, I don't buy it. But whatever floats your boat and helps you sleep at night.

I have my MA in psychology and find human behavior fascinating-- how people can make choices so inconsistent with their own self-interest (good and bad), the power of the human brain to make meaning out of chaos, the impact of moral injury and post-traumatic growth. I think this entire site is a testament to the power of post-traumatic growth for those who look upon the BD as an opportunity to grow themselves rather than using it as ammunition to demonize their wayward spouse and condemn and judge others for their choices. It seems to me that the cheating spouses, who have inflicted significant moral injury on themselves, have even a deeper trauma to process than those of us who were merely along for the ride. How can that experience not be a catalyst for even greater growth?

The "people don't change" line is BS. Like WF, I've seen it happen, over and over, for the good and for the bad. My FIL has had his brain consumed by Fox News and has become a suspicious and bitter soul. It's sad. And how many people are completely transformed by parenthood? We shouldn't define ourselves by the past. Everyone can make a choice to be better, today. Understood that many don't make that choice. But please don't paint everyone with the same brush.

Steve, racists are hard. I struggle a lot here. I had a moment during the Trump administration regarding the separation of families at the border where I simply lost it and thought-- these people are evil. Pure evil. I also have the hardest time with anti-marriage-equality activists, who spend their own time and energy preventing other people from simply being happy. Strange and sad and wrong. However... can you imagine what their lives are like on the inside? Racists, too? How bitter and small and fearful they must be to cultivate such hatred in their own souls? Not to say that there shouldn't be consequences for wrong actions, or that I'd be interested in spending time with people like this. I deeply admire people who have the ability to see the human inside even those twisted and bitter souls. I feel I can know it is there in the abstract but when I see the horrible injustices and violence that springs from it, I move to more of an LH/Scout let's lock them all up and throw away the key. So I struggle here with judgment for sure.

Not trying to convince anyone here. Just sharing my own two cents because I can!

And if anyone cares about the original storyline here... my H and I talked over our friends' situation at length. Decided to reach out to the LBH and let him know we heard what is going on and we care and are there for him, invited him to come hang out some night he doesn't have his kids. He responded that he really appreciated it and we'll get a date together. Hoping we can be there for him as much as he needs it. I've also been texting a bit with his wife and will continue to be supportive as she needs as well.

Happy Friday,

May