New M, new WAW

[mako]

So…maybe now we might be piecing, or at least going that direction?

W has been in bed all week and we’ve had little contact due to her positive covid test. Me and the kids tested negative. This morning she texted me out of the blue: “How has therapy been going?”

I said good, I’ve been able to process this whole sitch and grieve the M, and also am working on learning new things about myself to be a better person. She said what kinds of new things, and I talked about a few.

Then she said “Do you still think we can fix the M?” Wait, what? Suddenly I'm thinking what I say might be very important. I said it’s possible, but we had a lot of problems with making each other feel loved and we turned too quickly to resentment rather than communication. We spent too much time together and need our own social outlets. We would both need to work on communicating better, realizing what parts we both played in this and work on ourselves improving on those things. It wouldn’t really be fixing the M but instead building a new M, which is scary and hard but also could be fun and exciting. But it would take time and effort and we’d have to decide if we want to put in that effort.

She said “I don’t know what to do. What if I try to stay and work on it but it doesn't work out?”

I said I know, that’s scary. There’s no guarantees. Of course there’s no guarantees leaving makes you happy either. But if we work on it maybe we end up in a loving and fulfilling relationship and stay as a family, and if not then all we’ve lost is a little bit of time, split up now or split up later. I’m 42 so there isn’t all the time in the world anymore, but right now I’m still willing to spend some time, you have to figure out if you are. Also I don’t think we tried all that hard before and that gives me some regrets, so at the very least we might end up more satisfied that we did what we could.

She said she also felt bad that she checked out without really trying, and she’s seen me doing things differently the past two months and thinks if I can put in some work on myself then she’s willing to work too. I am her best friend and she wants to try again.

She said we have had a long time without intimacy so we should basically go back to dating because we can’t go right back into it right away and it’s going to take time for both of us to heal. I am in agreement with that. She said she couldn’t make any other ultimatums or demands except that we needed to work on this together to make this work.

Anyway…I said above that I wasn’t feeling all that much for her anymore, and that was and is undoubtably true. But I am also happy to see if this can work out. This was totally unexpected, but I still feel that detachment and this gives me some confidence that I am going into this from a good spot. My boundaries so far: right now we will continue IC alone, we will talk about doing MC in the future. No talking to anyone else or any thing similar in any way to dating someone else (recall she was on Bumble). She said that she had gone on a couple dates but had not done more than talk. (I believe her based on some comments she’s made previously). Above all we need to communicate instead of burying our feelings. I will have to think this over more to see if there are others because this was out of blue…

How do I feel? A bit happy and relieved definitely, but maybe right now more than anything, cautious. I’ve been hurt, and I’d rather not get hurt again. But if you don’t put yourself out there, you might avoid getting hurt, but you won’t have success either. I do know that today is certainly not the end of my sitch, the work will need to continue or I’ll be right back in the same place soon. I still might end up back in the same place. If she doesn't change I might even be the WAS, as I indicated in my OP I was close to doing. But I am confident that whatever happens I will be ok.