A year on and standing 2

[SteveLW]

Steve, you mentioned you been there. How did it end out for you?

I would direct you to my threads for details. But what I was saying for having been there, was coming to terms with not having control over her and over the situation. I actually embraced the fact that I had no control over her right away. Our 2017 sitch was our second, the first being in 2005. So I had been through Divorce Busting and read MWD's material, and watched her videos. I had received her emails (not sure if she still does the emails or not). So I fell back to what I had learned in 2005, when BD in 2017 happened. I relinquished control of her right away, realized that she was going to to do what she was going to do, and I had no control over her.

Where I struggled was with the first 2 months everything I did, DBing, backing off and giving her space, GAL, focusing on me, 180ing, and trying to emotionally detach, I was doing all of that trying to control the situation. Trying to prevent a D from happening. Everything I did was focused on trying to save my marriage. What I learned during the rest of my sitch was to let go of trying to save my marriage, and therefore trying to control my sitch. This is where the magic of DBing lies! The LBSs that flourish are the ones that realize, and embrace, the fact that they have no control over whether or not they end up D'd. What they do have control over is being happy no matter WHAT happens with their marriage. It involves dropping fear of the unknown, and understanding that the time past this current moment is ALL unknown.

One of the ways that helped me was to look at it as if my spouse were to have suddenly passed away. We have no control over that, and if and when that happens we eventually have to get past the fear of the unknown our future now faces, pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, and move forward.

LH has some good posts related to lack of control and the fear that comes from it, as well as dropping that fear and realizing that you have no control. ToSmile you will continue to struggle with the current cycle you are in until you come to grips with your lack of control over what happens. It sounds like what you are doing is when she coasts along for a few week without mentioning D, your fear of the unknown and lack of control over the future begins to ease. Then when she invariably reminds you that she still wants a D, you start to spin again due to the fear at the lack of control.

My response at the suggestion of a anti-D expert (not MWD) was to set a drop dead date that I could live with. Not so far out in the future that I still felt that fear of lack of control over my future, but far enough out that I could say I gave her plenty of time to change her mind and move forward without regrets. The suggestion from the author during the consultation session was 1 year. I cannot tell you how freeing having that drop dead date in place was! Knowing that on that date I was going to contact a lawyer and file for D myself gave me a sense of control over my future, event though I still had the short-term lack of control.

The outcome (whether it ended up in D or R) is irrelevant. Embracing the fact that you have no control over the outcome is where the secret sauce is.