Interesting discussion regarding partners and marriage. Trust, respect, and sincerity really top the list of must haves.
My second oldest son is considering marriage. Needless to say I’ve invested some time into considering and mulling over the topic of relationships. I thought I’d share my musing from a while ago, given we are all around similar age with children growing up and looking into starting families. I suspect there will be a view or two that resonates within yourself.
Originally Posted by DnJ
My kids are growing and getting closer and closer to marriage. I’ve no doubt S23 and S22 will someday pop the question. And as Dad, and someone who’s been around the block, I will pass on my advice to them. S22 as already ask for some regarding engagement and marriage. I know my suggestions to the kids would be taken with high regard and respect.
The idea of a prenuptial agreement, oddly may not be as proposed from me as one might think I would (given the wild betrayal XW inflicted). With little to no individual assets going into a marriage, the worst case of 50/50 is probably the agreements young adults would make anyhow. If one has significant pre-marriage assets, then an agreement would protect that.
Utilizing a prenup to somehow strengthen a marriage - by if one decides to leave or cheat or whatever, they get nothing - would not work. Fear and financial ruin is not good reason to stay, and turns one (or both) into more slaves than partners.
Still, an agreement, if they were to want one, would be interesting and useful in that they would not be bind-sided as to what they are actually getting into. I’ve consider, what would 27 year married and now divorced DnJ tell his younger self so many years ago. What wisdom would I pass back to myself? That is where I’m coming from regarding passing wisdom forward to my kids.
I’ve passed on plenty of life lessons. Love, emotions, intellect, money, debt management, crisis, grief, responsibility, loyalty, faith, faithfulness, work ethic, personal ethics, beliefs, ego, accountability, and the list goes on.
Marriage. That formal union of two people. The taking of a relationship to the next and highest level. Why get married? That is the question that leads to the wisdom I’d pass on.
Most people get married for love. They are in love and therefore get married. But why? You already have the love. What does marriage do? Why do you need to get married? You already have the love.
People marry for love. They should and need to marry the person, not the love. Love is the icing on the cake; it is not the cake.
A marriage should be based upon a solid respectful relationship, which both parties want to, and vow to, up hold and strengthen.
Love is a thing. Marrying for love is no better than marrying for money. Marry the person not the thing. Vow to the person not the feelings you have.
That distinction allows people to weather the storms of life. Love ebbs and flows, has its ups and downs, yet the person remains. Marry the person. (This is some of the reason I am where I am. Have the beliefs I do. Make the choices I do.)
Society is nowadays wired and programmed to expect instant gratification. Everything is promised to be available at the push of a button. Lol. And when it isn’t - boom! People have melt downs. Egos are so huge. The sense of entitlement is enormous.
The unrealized programmed expectations and demands of people lead to resentments within their lives. Unrealized resentments. Just look around at society. Are people happy? Full of purpose and joy and contentment and peace? Sadly, the answer is no. True there are individuals and pockets of society that do live that way. However, society is largely wound up pretty tight with most things a sensationalized concern with nary a direct tie to the individual, to themselves. The truly important stuff of their lives they invest the least into. Marriage being near the top of that list. There is a reason divorce is so rampant.
One of my most despised ideas of the current age is “life hacks”. First it’s not a hack - it’s cheating! Second, that quick shortcut leads nowhere really. One doesn’t learn or acquire the knowledge or skills of said “hack”, and cannot actually perform it. True authentic traits or skills take time and effort. It is within that pursuit, and the personal effort invested, that provide the dividends the hackers are trying to find.
Don’t hack your marriage. It’s not love at the push of a button. It’s work. It’s commitment of the highest order. The personal dividends from such a pursuit are incredible. Ensure you realize the correct path to walk. And have the conviction to walk it.
None of my kids or their BF/GF would want their partner to do what Mom/XW did to me. I know this advice/wisdom would be well received, for the foundation has been crafted for many years. Be responsible, reliable, accountable, ethical, honest - do the work, for there are no shortcuts to the true goals you seek.
Don’t marry for love, is so counterintuitive, until it isn’t.
Looking back, I think young DnJ and old DnJ would have a pretty interesting conversation.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
