Still learning, but leaning into the future...

[may22]

I think the problem with being kind and compassionate to someone in as much crisis as your H is that it holds up a mirror to him and he can't handle that. Deep down, he knows who you are, and every time you show him compassion it breaks him a little more because he sees you and the enormous contrast between your behavior and his own. He seems to have zero control over his feelings and actions. And he knows you well enough to know how to really hurt you... it feels like this just keeps ratcheting up and getting worse. I mean, I know when they go low we should go high (heart emoji) but in this case he is just drilling a giant oil well in the ocean floor and won't stop until the entire ocean is polluted. He is out of control.

Can you say to yourself, the kindest thing to do is to NOT engage? As DnJ says, sometimes the true act of compassion may be not being outwardly compassionate because that is what the recipient needs? It may not FEEL compassionate to you, but because you're focused on what the other person needs and not what you need yourself to feel like you're being compassionate, it truly is? (Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm talking in circles).

I don't necessarily think your H has NPD, but I wonder if grey rock is a good strategy for you here, at least until you get to that place Wooba talks about where he can't hurt you.

(((SAGE)))

Also.... miniature, baby horses. I can't.