Still taking it a day at a time (2)

[may22]

(((wayfarer))) wish I could call you IRL.

I hear what you're saying about dropping the rope in this new way. It feels really different from the earlier dropping of the rope, somehow-- like even as hard as that is, in the end you feel like you're pulling inward, gathering strength, depending on no-one but yourself for your happiness and wellbeing. You become the rock, the lighthouse-- the imagery is all of solidity and groundedness. And this feels like stretching out and letting go and being vulnerable all over again.

Truth be told I'm not quite ready for that step yet. I see it out there. I want to get there. But not quite ready to take the jump, and I think I'm okay with that.... just want to be sure I'm taking the right steps in that direction and not overly picking at the wounds of the past.

And for both WF and CW... it was weird to talk to my friend, but it actually wasn't really triggering. My comment about ditching my friend was more of a response to LH's sarcastically calling her amazing. Honestly? She is an amazing person for a lot of reasons. And I'm clearly not in a position to judge her since I'm working on forgiving my husband for something similar. I listened to her whole story, validated, am helping her look for a place. She clearly needed someone to talk to and even though she *said* things were amicable between her and her H, they're NC excepting the kids and the D and she made a whole bunch of comments about not knowing what he was up to. Another single friend of hers had found him on Tinder and screencapped his profile-- she showed it to me and was really weirded out that he was OLD but knows she has no say in it. So I think things aren't as rosy in single land as maybe she thought it would be. (Note for LBSs... NC sure is effective. And don't OLD as a tactic. If I had to categorize her response, it was more thinking he was desperate and lonely than moving on.)

Anyway. All to say that I think I was a good friend to her and put my own $hit aside and can probably continue to do that with one caveat-- I don't know that I could if she was in an active affair and leaving her H for her AP in real time. That I don't know if I could do. But her A was seven years ago, they tried to work it out and at least from her perspective, they couldn't. That is actually what scared me the most from our conversation. Felt like a reminder that I need to put in the hard work on myself and my R to get to M2.0-- even though things are feeling much better between us, we still have a long ways to go and I should not take anything for granted.

xx M