Just venting. H seems very stressed out and started a R convo with me that first started about our older son but eventually turned around to us. He tried to sound like he was trying to be supportive of me, but his statements showed anger and frustration of his own. He stated how he is overwhelmed by the whole D process (and the timeline HE told me he wanted), work, us, everything. I listened and tried to be supportive, but I reminded him that this sitch is what he wanted and initiated. He seems frustrated that I am not accepting his response to the funds he has spent, and I said, give me proof and we can take it from there. He reiterated that he isn't changing his mind on moving on with his life. I told him I am fully aware of that and have accepted that. I also reminded him that this whole situation isn't a cake walk for me and I want to move on with my life too. And that his tendency to never finish things has me concerned that I will be left in limbo. He acknowledge that issue. So, I said this was why I brought up the timeline the other day. I pushed that I wanted to go for a walk to end the R talk. All seemed fine enough after that and I went for a walk.
Later in the evening, he started to do more research on the missing funds. During this time he lashed out at me and I replied with an 'ouch' instead of a statement. He apologized that he was feeling stressed about it all and feeling grumpy. He looks miserable, he's still drinking a lot, he getting a big belly, and he looks like [censored]. There is that part of me that feels for him...that part of me that all these years was the one to help support him in his depression cycles. The one who even when I was dealing with my own health issues, put him first while he started his affair behind my back. I look back now and I realize that I was always expected to be the strong one, the one to take on the heavy loads of our relationship, and no matter how much I did, he pushed for more and said I wasn't doing enough. When I needed him most, he wasn't there for me. His XW was very weak...so I always told myself that it was that frustration with her that triggered his frustration with me. But now I think he's the weak one and when others can't give him the support he requires, he blames us instead of looking within and helping himself too.
One of his close friends told me that now looking back they realize that he wasn't there for his XW when she needed him after the birth of the boys. When she was struggling with health issues. I wonder if I missed this as a red flag...and a sign of what was to come for me. Or is it that men want a strong woman, but once they have one, they resent the strength and try to pull you down to their level? I don't know, but I know I need to do some work around this area and about how I feed or react to these sort of issues. My XH also grew to hate my strength. I thought my current H was a strong person when we first met, but time showed me that he isn't. Our courtship was quick, so by the time I saw these things, I was already living with him and fully committed to him. I want to be sure I find a true partner and equal in my next relationship. So this is an area I need to focus on. As my mom didn't remarry for a long time, I did not grow up a father figure until my early teens (my bio dad wasn't around). Maybe that has affected the choices I've made in my life on men?
Anyway, trying to take things one day at a time and just put one foot in front of the other each day. Thanks for listening and being there.
El
Was the R talk in person? Why not try to shortcut it earlier? "I can't talk about this right now...." then go for your walk.
I applaud you ending it, but try to do so sooner next time. It seems that this really got you spinning, and then you started overanalyzing. We all know the funds were used to fuel his A. You need to document the spending with your L and move on from that. His own guilt on justifying the spending isn't your concern.
However, it seems to me he is a bit of a piece of work. When he starts feeling stressed or overwhelmed in his current marriage he goes looking for something else. Depression, avoidant, not being there for his spouse, all sound like deep character flaws that can only be worked through with intense therapy, and certainly not alcohol. At this point I would be running for the door if I were you!
By the way, my W is a very strong woman. I wouldn't have it any other way!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
