A year on and standing 2

[SteveLW]

Half a year pass by since my previous post and hope everyone's good during this trying Covid times.

For this half year, I had been minding my own business, work out, focus on the kids, but reduce in going out and get a life as most weekends the kids are with me and I just spend my time accompanying them.

She remain staying in the study room and carry on with her own routine. Less in Feb this year, she invited a friend whom she claimed she had discontinued contact with to our place that crossed my boundaries. This friend of hers was someone whom supported her EA back and I confronted my wife about it. She claimed that she invited her as she felt she was not an involved party but I made my stand to her. Such person are not welcomed.

Then things went back to "norm" and in March I celebrated her birthday with the kids.

And yesterday, her mom's best friend passed away and she went over to accompanied her mom as she was very affected by it. After she's back in the evening, she proceed to crusade about the divorced again. She laid out 2 options to me. Either we carry on status quo, and divorce years later when the kids grow up, or we divorce and stay under the same roof and bring the kids up together.

I told her, she had always been making plans about divorce and thought that everything will end up according to her game plan. What makes her think I would still want to stay with her after we divorce? I've got to move on. I got to have my own life. I ain't gonna be still standing here anymore. But, I am not stopping her to proceed. I understand what she wants and she can just serve the letter to my lawyer.

She keep saying that she want a divorce with me to put a closure to our relationship and after that she can talk to me normally like a friend. Then she claims that I am stopping the divorce as I am not allowing overnight access of kids to her and taking the kids away from her than we originally agreed on shared access. I told her I came to that conclusion as she had emotionally threatened my kid till he almost killed himself and thus, I am standing firm on this.

I told her if she really want to divorce, just serve to my lawyer. She then claim she had done so previously which I mentioned I had not receive any notification from my lawyer? Then she said it was the draft that was prepared by her lawyer's admin that she emailed to me. I told her please, just forward the proper version to my lawyer and not something by someone unqualified which I could draft even better than.

Next she start to bring out all the nonsense form the past again which I got so tired of and after some minor exchange with her, I told her I am tired. Just wish to rest on a positive mood and these exchanges are pointless. Before she left the room, she asked me so what is the conclusion of this talk? I told her I leave it to her. Then she mentioned that our counsellor offered to mediate for our divorce if we need her to and walked out.

The reason I post this after a while is because:

1. Got to be frank I am slightly affected by the session last night as such talks are draining. Need to get it off the chest.

2. I am not feeling as bad as I was before and focus that I have to be strong

3. It becomes more and more clear to me over the days how freaking selfish she is (which WAWs are anyway)

4. Feeling kinda ridiculous that she expects me to adhere to her playbook and plan even after we divorce

5. Felt the exasperation in her when she felt that I am not in her control

6. Well if she's gonna serve, I gonna sign and move on. Ain't looking back anymore. I am one when I am in relationship, I stay committed and give it my all. But once I move on, that's it. I can't phantom being around with someone in that manner. Then it would be my turn finding it hard to breath.

7. I just don't like the way she play nice in front of me to the kids. I know and was told by my helper too that when I am not around, the kids got it rough from her. But when I am around, she became so engaged with them. But for this portion, I leave it to the kids to see through their mom. What I can do is to arrange for more counselling for them in the meantime to prep them better.

8. I also note that she had an enabling mother that's not making the situation matter encouraging her on in funny ways.

9. She is still in a mess. just like recently she got into several accidents and instead of reflecting on her carelessness, the blame is on the car and she wanted to sell the car away and get a new one. Like how it is for family as well?

10. I just need some support and peace. Have not reach out for a while. Am also planning a weekend out with friends as she will be bringing the kids for staycation.

But the rope in my hand has dropped. I may wept for the past, but I have to smile for the future.

Tosmile, welcome back. Sorry you are still dealing with this. Unfortunately, I think you thought time would change her mind and it hasn't. What we know from your post is:

- She still wants a D
- She is still too lazy to make the D happen on her own
- She has some crazy post-D fantasies (Living together after D??!?)

Before I say what I think you should do, just a small 2x4 on the "boundary" with the friend. Boundaries are very misunderstood by LBSs, especially LBHs. Your boundary is more about controlling her, than taking action yourself.

Your boundary is: Friend cannot come to house.

What your boundary should look like is: Friend is not welcome to house. If friend comes over, or is invited by STBXW, I will take the kids and leave until she is no longer at the house.

Boundary setting is about setting the boundary: "Friend not welcome at house." Followed by YOUR action if boundary is crossed: "I will take the kids and leave until friend is no longer at the house."

Your boundary is about controlling her. The boundary should be about controlling you!

Okay, so here is what I think you should do:

At this point you have stood for your marriage for quite a while. No one could look at you ToSmile and say you haven't done everything you could to save your marriage. I am not a proponent of limbo going on indefinitely. In my own sitch I set a dropdead date. One year past BD, if she wasn't fully committed back to the marriage, I would go file myself.

At this point I would highly suggest you set such a date. She has shown that she is all talk and no action. She wants you to do the work of the D. During the limbo period it is not advisable for you to push the D forward, but as stated above that should not remain open-ended. As you said you have a life to live, you need to move forward at some point.

So when your dropdead date comes (or if it is already here or past), then I suggest you either:

1. Take her up on the offer to let counselor mediate a D settlement. This has the benefit of letting you express to her that things like living together after Dis not an option. WASs, and WSs in particular, love to try to have their cake and eat it too. Her efforts to get you to agree to this arrangement let's her continue to play house, while freeing her to go play the field as a single woman. I do not blame you one bit for not wanting that!

2. Go and file for D yourself, and work out details of the D settlement with your lawyer before presenting it to her. This is advantageous in that either a) she will be too lazy to fight it and just accept the settlement as presented, or b) be forced to hire her own proper lawyer to look over the settelement and work with your lawyer on a compromise.

The nice thing about both approaches is that 50/50 child custody can be established and post-D living arrangements could be settled out.

ToSmile, one word of caution, often times faced with the daunting task of post-D child swaps and finding suitable lodging, WASs/WSs will opt to remain married. Not because they want to stay and be your spouse, but because the alternative is too difficult. So they will see staying in the marriage (for now) as the lesser of the two evils. The problem is that if you agree to that then you will be right back into your limbo you find yourself now. You won't prevent the D, you'll just postpone it, since the WSs is still looking for their plan A.

I would caution you that once your dropdead date is reached that you do not succumb to the WS trying to "stay married out of convenience". Once that dropdead date is hit, you move forward with your life without regret. Do not settle for being someone's Plan B!

ToSmile, hope this helps. You have been very patient with her and with your sitch. The question you have to ask yourself, as the age of 40 approaches is: "How much more of your life do you want to waste waiting for someone that doesn't want to be with you?"