Anyway, I hope that I’m not offending you by my statements.
Of course not. (: Your post was well thought-out, so I did take some time to consider it before responding.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Being a child of divorce and experiencing my moms few boyfriends that were not good to us (whom she got rid of when it became obvious), I knew from a child’s point of view how important the role was.
That ex (5-10yrs ago) grew up with divorced parents, too! I never connected that as a possible motive for her aspiration to be a great step-parent. I saw her getting closer to my kids as a way to get closer to me.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
In your situation, you say “values weren’t aligned with yours” but if that is the case why would you even want to have a relationship with someone whose values are not aligned? I have a feeling that it may not have been your values but parenting style you have versus hers.
I shouldn't have been in a relationship with her. That ex amassed debt to put her sisters through college, because she didn't want them in debt. I didn't want her espousing doormat behavior to my kids.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Our parenting styles are different. So I know some of that played a role. But one has to realize there is no rule book or instruction manual on raising kids...so being open to trying new things is a good thing. Instead of considering my approaches, he shut them down. He also allowed them to walk all over me.
It's true I often dismissed her parenting style with, "You haven't been a parent, you don't get it." I'd never be that dismissive of even an employee trying new things unless they silently ignored the rules or guidelines. I've tried, but I can't answer where that arrogant prick version of me 5-10yrs ago came from. Keeping an emotional distance? A fragile ego? We can't change who we've been. If anyone ever tries so hard with my kids again, I will treat them like gold. My last ex, unlike that one, had even when living together as a "family" zero interest in bonding with my S and D and did not see the good in my kids vs her own. Yellow flag!
Originally Posted by Elbereth
In the end, I think part of his crisis is that he’s angry that his kids are not what he hoped they would be. He looks at other people’s kids and wonders why they are so much better in his eyes then his own.
Aww, so sad. I LOVE my kids and where they are. I just want them to be happy and healthy. Anyway, I recognize the rarity and amazness of you being a great stepmom despite that challenging environment. I can't imagine being on your side of it--dismissed and unsupported--and prevailing in many ways. It sounds like you know your level of step-parenting is not common, based on you growing up with more than one poor stepdad. I'm glad the kids somewhat realize, and hope your ex someday realizes all you've done, hopefully sooner rather than 5-10yrs later. It's too bad we can't accelerate other people fixing themselves.
