Hope you are doing great and getting vaccinated asap. I wanted to come post earlier but I have not had the time to really sit down for a good hour to put my thoughts together and filter the things I want to share. I have been very busy with the kids, trainings at work and exercise (boy I love crossfit and how it is destroying me and making me grow physically) and I just started today refurbishing the bathroom at home.
First of all, I have a general message of gratitude to this board, I have learnt in months things I could not have guessed had I been in many different Rs. You have changed the way I see myself as a man, the way I prioritize and care my R with the kids, the way I imagine my life and how I understand women and most importantly my defects and how to know them, accept them and work on them. You don't know me, you don't owe me a thing and yet you come and invest your time on my growth and healing. I doubt there's an internet community where we can emotionally learn more than here. Than you all, I am finally starting to feel like a new man.
Last interaction I have had with W was one day I went to drop the kids. S2 was really tired and to avoid him falling asleep in the car I gave him youtube kids on the phone. When she came to pick them, S2 started to cry and throw his hands at me as he always does because we have an amazing time together and she commented "no wonder he cries when he leaves you, if you let him watch youtube all the time". I thought "yes love, that is the reason" and I got in the car and drove back home. She also started sending me emails about our new home in Munich, I was not answering so her L got in touch with mine. My L said I should answer those emails and not be immature. I told her the house causes me too much pain and we are close to selling it after I handled it all BY MYSELF and I will not explain a thing to her, enough that she is going to get half the winning we make after I took responsibility for all. I later sent her an email telling her not to ask me anything more about the house. I think I am in my right to not answer that, she can always call our financial advisor in Munich and she decided long ago to break from that house and all it meant.
Pack is doing better! I am fully NC now, even when she tries to talk about something I direct her to email. Then I choose what to answer and how, taking my time. I still feel sad for our family and deeply hurt by her decisions and actions, I don't think she is ever going to change the way she sees me, but it is not my job to change it, despite how much I have tried it in the past. As I said above, I am loving crossfit, I swear I have never sweated like this during workouts and I feel myself growing in strength and flexibility. This week I have the theoretical test for the motorbike license and I have been doing lots of activities with the kids (biking, trekking, home cinema sessions, going to the park... I got some new running shoes and I am going to buy a second hand road bike to enter a triathlon when possible.
A couple of Fridays ago I had a terrible day. My salary has dropped this year and I got my first taste of how it is going to look, the same day I got an email form my lawyer because I tried to adjust alimony and apparently W's salary has also dropped so I do not have much room to change it, I got an email from Munich that the house is almost finished and my boss gave me the yearly review and commented that despite she is very happy, she had to give me a "needs improvement" because I am new, adapting to the team and still have much to learn. All came together and made me realize how much my life has worsened and how I have let her destroy everything I had so proudly built to the point that this D has affected my performance at work and made me question my worth as a man and father and the decision to buy a house for my family, something I was so sure was the right thing to do.
Last week I contacted a couple of new male lawyers, with the hope that they will empathize with me and help me change the situation I have in order to be able to work in Madrid when I dont have the kids. I met with the first of them and he made 3 comments that helped me realize he might be able to fight for me in a stronger way. He commented that I pay too much alimony given the shared custody, he asked me why the hell I paid for half her L's expenses and he told me if my career is in Madrid I should be able to work there and alimony should be compensated due to the fact that I have to travel to be with the kids, all around the idea of shared custody, which is standard as per influence of the European Union in this retarded country. It seems I am going to have to pay double, but at least I am going to D with a L who really understands me. I need to get some documents from work to prove my career will benefit from me being in Madrid when not with the kids and I am getting them now. He also commented it is too soon to change anything so I need to be patient now and pay what I have agreed when I was emotionally a mess.
P - Getting ready for a marathon, keep up the good work at crossfit, get the road bike and join some sport events as soon as they are available. I - Preparing a new certification at work, continue learning abut how men and women interact, promote to L6 at work E - Listen actively to anyone, focusing on being happy with the new life circumstances I have and being the best father and man I can be. S - Understand I cannot control how this ends, remaining positive that I will grow and learn from this experience.
Thank you all, I will post more often now that I have more free time.
Pack great update! Love the crossfit. Keep up the good work.
On the job, as a manager I can tell you that HR departments are forever pressuring us to have an equal distribution of low achievers, mid-achievers and high achievers. It drives me nuts. They talk about a bell curve, and rating people in relation to each other. It is maddening. I've resisted giving any of my employees a low-achiever just because they aren't going above and beyond like others might. I say all that to say maybe your boss is under the same pressure? And the new employee is an easy target.
As far as the L, like most things in life you get what you pay for. I always chuckle at advertisements for corrective eye surgery where they are bragging about their low rates. The last thing I want when it comes to eye surgery is a budget surgeon! And you should take the same tact with a D L. Extra cost up front could save you thousands of dollars later. I applaud you for not just sitting back and sticking with your current L out of ease. It amazes me how humans will shop around for the best price on a car or TV, but then just take the first L that comes along.
Well done, sir!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
