One foot in front of the other

[SteveLW]

Elbereth, personally I think you're still trying to hold on too tight. It's almost if by rushing him he'll have second thoughts. I think your statement on wanting him to move in with OW proves this.

Hi SteveLW, thank you for your perspective. It does give me things to think about. I do not feel I am hoping he will have second thoughts or that I am pressuring him. I mean, I am not looking at it that way. Sure, I want him to realize the mistake he has made for my own pride, but I honestly do not feel like he will come around anytime soon regardless of what I do. One big thing that has me very impatient is that my H has problems finishing things. All things. Work, projects, everything. Even his closest friends tell him and he knows it but he can't help himself. I feel I am another unfinished thing in his life. He's already moved on to the next thing. He also doesn't deal with stress well and is forever overwhelmed (as if no one else has stress). I could wait it out...sure, let him stall, but then I feel I would just be going along while he's having a life with someone else, and I am in limbo while my assets that we share disappear. My fears financially really shifted to the max level when I discovered that he has already embedded himself legally and financially with this OW. So, yes, I want to protect myself financially...and yes, it's the best timing for selling the house (which is our most valuable asset), and yes, I want to be able to move forward myself and focus on my life (and my step-sons) instead of waiting for him to decide what he is doing. I can't control him, but I don't have to sit by and let him stall either...I have some influence is getting the process going. So that is what I am trying to do. I maybe could have done a better job at it, but that was my goal.

I've discussed all of this with my L and it has said that up until the separation (as my L sees it in our timeline as already in the past), funds will be looked at for what he has spent. But after that, it gets much harder in my state, so my L is also pressuring me to get the ball rolling as well as account for some of the known spending thus far. But he's hiding the thing with the OW, so I expect that he is hiding more. This will be my second D. Financially, I am devastated. So every little cent I can save/get matters. I put everything into both of my marriages. You think I would have learned but I didn't...I really have very little of my own, separate from our shared assets. So, yes, I'm afraid...and financially I should be. I'm not in good shape.

One last word of warning, if you're rushing things to end the pain, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. Lots of LBSs rush things for the wrong reasons and end up D'd and miserable. This is why you should be working on yourself, dealing with your emotional baggage related to him, and learning to move forward happy and healthy. This last post concerns me because it's all about him. Where is your GAL? Where are the self improvements? Have you been working on emotional detachment? Elbereth, I forget, are you in IC?

I agree, this last post WAS all about him. I am trying very hard to in the GAL area. I am getting out for long walks that allow me to think, plan and dream, I take hot baths, I hang out with friends, I am doing a financial course to help me learn how to manage what money I will have left (and work with an investor to help it grow), and I'm working on my portfolio to expand my business prospects. I'm reading a lot of self-help books too. I'm getting exercise, I'm eating well, and I've been doing a lot of trips to the doctors to get my health back. I feel frustrated and sad at what is happening, and it's hard and it [censored], but I am functioning...I am moving forward, I am planning my future. I'm not waiting around for him or asking him to change his mind anymore. I hope this means I am doing the right things? At least I'm trying...but...I am still stalking the OW on social...and I know I should stop. Soon I will.

As for IC, I'm in between at the moment. But planning to do more FOR SURE. I agree that it's important. I am doing everything I can to move forward happy and healthy regardless of what happens with H. Anyway, thank you for your perspective and suggestions. I am really trying to be logical about my situation, and I am trying to do as much of the work on myself as I can too.

El

Elbereth, very good stuff here. I guess my only concern for you is to not rush this through with the thought that it will end your pain sooner. I'm a proponent, as you know, of setting a dropdead date. On that date move forward with the D with no looking back and no regrets. But it has to be long enough out that the LBS can work through all of the emotional baggage they have left with their WAS. Earn your way out, as the bald Texan TV psychologist says.

I also am concerned with your acting out of fear. Acting out of fear rarely gets you to where you want and need to be. Finances are always a concern in D, and I get that. But I believe in hard work to get to the financial security so many crave. No marriage or D can replace that. And as far as your L, they always push to file and moved forward. I encountered the same in my sitch. All I wanted was knowledge, the L I consulted with pushed me to file immediately. You have to sift the wheat from the chaff.

El, you're definitely one of the strongest LBWs we've had here. I just don't want you to believe that you can shortcut the emotional side of precessing through all of this.