One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Talk to “your” boys. They are 18 and 20. Adults. Step-sons. Treat them as such. Treat them as friends and be their Mom. I sense you got the loving Mom thing down pat. As kids turns into adults they need to push away and find their own feet. It is a difficult time for a parent; as if any time is a walk in the park. Aside from actually walking in the park. smile

Speak with them as equals. Not to them, rather with them. Be open about their father’s interaction. And his lack thereof. Assure them you will be there for them. Answer questions honestly and age appropriately, which given their adult age will be pretty uncomfortable I suspect. They need answers and guidance, and you have the golden opportunity to provide for them. Of course they have to walk their path as well in all this, so a gentle approach will be required.

Never demonize their Dad. That is as much for you as it is for them. You job is not to facilitate the relationship between Dad and his boys, your job is not to destroy it. That goes for any parent, step or bio matters not. You are responsibly for your side of the relationship between you and each son; Dad is responsible for his.

I’ve walked this razor’s edge. Been yelled at, lash out to, and had to accept much more than I deserved from my kids. You see, kids cannot risk loosing their walk away parent. These poor youngsters need to express their emotions and they cannot tell dear old Dad what they think and feel. So, you will get the fallout aimed at you. It helps if you understand why the kids need to do what they need to do.

In time, as they, as we all do, grow up, they will express themselves clearly to Dad. And you will be fine and loved. It is interesting, the strong stable parent is always loved deeply, especially while the child is lashing out. That shows just how much they trust and feel comforted by you. They can express their feelings and know you will always be there.

Those are just a few ideas or goals to keep in mind as you journey forward along your path. I found most people have the desire to walk the needed and difficult path, they just needed clarity on the noble goals and direction to walk.

This advice (and the advice from Wayfarer) is so helpful...thank you. Yeah, it's a hard path. I have always done my best to not demonize their bio mom and I will do the same with their dad. I don't want to hurt their relationship at all...I just want to be sure I am supporting them and keep my relationship with them.

I wanted to stand for him, I did, but I don't know if I can anymore... I'm not in a rush to find someone new, but I refuse to wait for him to come to his senses.

We all start out that way. Standing is our default, a byproduct, until we heal enough to stand down. That is when standing really starts.

You don’t stand for H, or for your M. You stand for you!

Stand for you. Three words with a world of meaning.

You. Integrity, honour, honesty, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, loyalty, empathy, understanding, vows, and so on. Those tenets and core beliefs of life far eclipse H or M. There is an incredible strength when standing for yourself and your good noble values. It becomes a way of life. One lives to be the best they will be.

You might divorce, might have another relationship, or might not. Yet, you can and will stand for you.

Do the requisite business side of your situation to ensure your financial protection and security.

Do the requisite inner work to grow and strengthen your emotional, intellectual, and spiritual self.

Each path is necessary. Each path is different, and has different reasons and goals.

The latter path is much more a life long pursuit. One can get wrapped up in the need and rush to acquire financial security and couple their emotional path to a similar tact. Be patient and do your inner work slow and well, for it will serve you a lifetime.

Thank you for this. I am trying to do just that. I may be rushing the D, but I am not rushing the inner work. I am of the type that feels that one has to learn from their mistakes and I want to grow and learn and be a better future partner. I don't think anyone can be happy if they don't find that happiness within. I want it to serve me a lifetime. DnJ, have you thought of writing a book? You do have a way with words! So inspiring...thank you!