DnJ, you are probably tired of telling me the same things in different words. I am so grateful for your steady presence and gentle reminders.
I have been working on sorting out feelings vs logic lately and overall believe I have been doing a good job. Yesterday just threw me and I fell off the feelings wagon for a bit. Your words steadied me and helped me get back on the horse.
Helpful takeaways that I needed to be reminded of: Hurt people hurt people. Projections, most of it. I control me. Boundaries (revisit these for myself and fortify the ones that need fortifying).
Also, this made me want to cry:
Originally Posted by DnJ
My W condescendingly and so smugly told me I’d never find true love like she did with OM, but she’d tell me all my flaws so I could maybe work on them to maybe find an ok relationship in the future. The list of flaws, she estimated would take a few hours to go over.
That is quite funny - now. At the time, I was destroyed. Confidence shot. Self doubts everywhere and about everything. And yes, it hurt a lot!
Cry with both empathy for you (as I have heard different, but similarly hurtful things) and at the absurdity of wanting to hurt a good person like that. In both your XW and my H's situation, it is almost as if your and my strength (serenity, goodness, love, compassion) is too powerful a force, one that must be beaten down, smashed, broken in an attempt for our spouses to gain some sort of internal sense of power or control. Except it didn't work, did it?
Speaks to the unbreakable power of goodness, integrity and a well-lived life.
KML, thank you for your wisdom and advice. Check to all the items on your list. H is not necessarily trying to take me for a ride, nor I him; it is the emotional side of things that are in the way to success at the moment. Could I get more? Probably. Could he? Probably. I think it was your exH that said 'if both of us feel like it was unfair, then it was probably fair.' I think we're pretty close to that mark. I have more legal experience than he does and always did the books/taxes/family financials. No wool over these eyes.
GERDA!! I want to give you a BIG squishy hug!!!! Welcome back, I hope Lenten was a restorative period for you. I am SO happy to hear from you!
The first thing I thought of when I read your post was an old quote I read somewhere:
Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
You are a master at words and imagery:
Originally Posted by Gerda
You ARE a woman of grace and love and forgiveness. But that doesn't mean you should stick your hand out through the bars to pet a poisonous snake.
And I have been ruminating on this all day:
Originally Posted by Gerda
He's either in MLC from a deep wound that pre-dated your or he has NPD and you didn't notice before.
That is why you can forgive him. Because he can't have empathy right now, no matter what you say or do. Like a person with no legs being asked to run.
Beautiful and true.
Originally Posted by Gerda
As far as negotiating or not -- I would instead use the metaphor of puppies at play. If they bite too hard, they get pushed out of the playspace. Or nipped by their mom. He just bit you too hard. You tried to settle his divorce (not yours!) in an adult way. It didn't work. He bit you. And isn't even aware he bit you.
My girls and I volunteer with young rehabbed miniature horses, most of whom were taken from their mothers as foals (they're so tiny then!) and then abandoned when they get bigger. They are a little unruly: nip, bite, kick. The girls asked me why and I told them that when a horse is taken away from its mother too soon, it doesn't learn the appropriate social skills a horse needs to be a good horse. A mother horse will bite a foal back, just like your puppies, to teach it not to ever bite. Otherwise it never learns.
H wasn't given the tools he needed when he was young, so like with the miniature horses, I have to use a slightly firmer hand and more clear boundaries than I would with a properly raised horse. Thanks for the delightful analogy!
Originally Posted by Gerda
If it's MLC, then the real H will come back to himself one day and you can be nice to him then.
Oh, I know this is true. I just want to be nice NOW. What a waste of life for all these MLCers who spend so long fighting instead of looking inwards or recognizing love and kindness when it cloaks them in a velvety embrace.
