Still learning, but leaning into the future...

[Gerda]

((((SAGE)))))))

Decided to continue my Lenten fast for a bit longer but then I saw this and moaned, "HAVE I TAUGHT YOU NOTHING, MY CHILD?"

I jest in tone/condescension but not in the seriousness of wishing you would take my story as a message directly to you.

Your H is not in that body anymore. Don't look for him there.

His eyes can't see you. Don't try to make yourself visible to him.

Cutting him off may be the best thing you can do for him -- or it might not. He's bonkers.

You ARE a woman of grace and love and forgiveness. But that doesn't mean you should stick your hand out through the bars to pet a poisonous snake. Nor does it mean you should stand there while this incarnation of H torches your home and your family and your marriage and your business and say, "I JUST WANT TO BE NICE TO YOU! YOU HURT ME!" as if he will suddenly slap his forehead and say, "Ooooooh, you are right! I should be nice to you! What have I been thinking!" and run for the hose to douse the flames.

He doesn't give a sh%t how he makes you feel. That is why you are in this mess.

He CAN'T give a sh%t about how you feel. He's either in MLC from a deep wound that pre-dated your or he has NPD and you didn't notice before.

That is why you can forgive him. Because he can't have empathy right now, no matter what you say or do. Like a person with no legs being asked to run.

As far as negotiating or not -- I would instead use the metaphor of puppies at play. If they bite too hard, they get pushed out of the playspace. Or nipped by their mom. He just bit you too hard. You tried to settle his divorce (not yours!) in an adult way. It didn't work. He bit you. And isn't even aware he bit you.

What I would do is send him KML's message, saying, "Hey, H. This is the default of a divorce in (your state). (KML list here) If you aren't able to go by this list, we can try to work it out in mediation. Here are two mediators we can try. You can pick one. I'm available April 14 and April 17, anytime."

Keep records of all your efforts to settle amicably. You'll need it if he keeps spinning out and tries to get legal fees from you because you delayed.

What's that you say? You didn't delay?

Yeah, me neither. I was just in court to defend myself against my H's fifth motion for contempt. He yelled at me the whole time and had to be repeatedly told to stop. Afterwards, he picked up my D from school and told her, "The court doesn't like Mama at all. If she doesn't stop yelling, they are going to put her in jail."

And in his papers his L sang the same song he always sings, that I am delaying these proceedings and should cover all his legal fees even though I clearly can't even afford my own lawyer and have a packet of maybe two dozen settlement offers I sent in the past two years.

Just telling you that so you can see where your H is going to go with this, if you try to negotiate. Just stick to the default in your state and dig in your heels and give up anything you are willing to give up only if he seems totally read to settle. Get out as quick as you can.

If it's MLC, then the real H will come back to himself one day and you can be nice to him then.