Once a spouse reaches the point of walk away spouse, they’ve already internally thrown away so much. The external actions - bomb drop, the aftermath, and fantasy life - is what we then see. Of course we are shocked that someone could flip a switch and become the almost exact opposite of who they were were. The truth is their shift was slow and happened over quite some time. All internal emotional pressures with very little to do with us the left behind spouse.
Kids also get tossed aside. Many many WAS become terrible parents. My XW threw away her children. Her words during her surprise exit speech at Thanksgiving Dinner to the whole family including extended parents, as she dropped the bomb and moved out - “You get the house and cars. And the kids, unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.”
They have checked out and become terrible parents. They are lost souls.
We LBS, you, can only control you. You become the best parent, step-parent, person, you will be. Not can be, will be!
Everyday we can grow and be better. Become the best you will be. When your last breath is exhaled you will have become the best you can be, until then work to be what you will become.
S18 and S20 both have significant upheaval in their young lives. Consider how mixed up this is to you, and you are 51 with a lifetime of experience. These lads need some guidance and dear old Dad ain’t the guy to step up. And it sounds like he wasn’t much able too before either.
Remember, you control you. It is excellent that you love the boys. And I understand the awkwardness of the relationship between you and each of them. Make that R stronger and better.
Your H, like my XW, is off on his fantasy to live with unicorns and fairies. My XW said she was willing to lose her kids for her chance at happiness. I suspect your H is similarly fogged and lost. It shows in his behaviour towards the boys. He has no plan nor real idea aside from some Airbnb or move out of town or God knows what. Six weeks and H hasn’t done a thing. H is driven and follows his emotions right now. And emotions make for some really poor decisions, especially life altering decisions.
Notice how H got all mad when you mentioned you had something lined up that would look after son until at least fall.
Which leads to my advice and suggestions from my experience. You control you. Take the actions you will.
Do have a place that can include son. No need to explain it to H.
Talk to “your” boys. They are 18 and 20. Adults. Step-sons. Treat them as such. Treat them as friends and be their Mom. I sense you got the loving Mom thing down pat. As kids turns into adults they need to push away and find their own feet. It is a difficult time for a parent; as if any time is a walk in the park. Aside from actually walking in the park.
Speak with them as equals. Not to them, rather with them. Be open about their father’s interaction. And his lack thereof. Assure them you will be there for them. Answer questions honestly and age appropriately, which given their adult age will be pretty uncomfortable I suspect. They need answers and guidance, and you have the golden opportunity to provide for them. Of course they have to walk their path as well in all this, so a gentle approach will be required.
Never demonize their Dad. That is as much for you as it is for them. You job is not to facilitate the relationship between Dad and his boys, your job is not to destroy it. That goes for any parent, step or bio matters not. You are responsibly for your side of the relationship between you and each son; Dad is responsible for his.
I’ve walked this razor’s edge. Been yelled at, lash out to, and had to accept much more than I deserved from my kids. You see, kids cannot risk loosing their walk away parent. These poor youngsters need to express their emotions and they cannot tell dear old Dad what they think and feel. So, you will get the fallout aimed at you. It helps if you understand why the kids need to do what they need to do.
In time, as they, as we all do, grow up, they will express themselves clearly to Dad. And you will be fine and loved. It is interesting, the strong stable parent is always loved deeply, especially while the child is lashing out. That shows just how much they trust and feel comforted by you. They can express their feelings and know you will always be there.
Those are just a few ideas or goals to keep in mind as you journey forward along your path. I found most people have the desire to walk the needed and difficult path, they just needed clarity on the noble goals and direction to walk.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I wanted to stand for him, I did, but I don't know if I can anymore... I'm not in a rush to find someone new, but I refuse to wait for him to come to his senses.
We all start out that way. Standing is our default, a byproduct, until we heal enough to stand down. That is when standing really starts.
You don’t stand for H, or for your M. You stand for you!
Stand for you. Three words with a world of meaning.
You. Integrity, honour, honesty, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, loyalty, empathy, understanding, vows, and so on. Those tenets and core beliefs of life far eclipse H or M. There is an incredible strength when standing for yourself and your good noble values. It becomes a way of life. One lives to be the best they will be.
You might divorce, might have another relationship, or might not. Yet, you can and will stand for you.
Do the requisite business side of your situation to ensure your financial protection and security.
Do the requisite inner work to grow and strengthen your emotional, intellectual, and spiritual self.
Each path is necessary. Each path is different, and has different reasons and goals.
The latter path is much more a life long pursuit. One can get wrapped up in the need and rush to acquire financial security and couple their emotional path to a similar tact. Be patient and do your inner work slow and well, for it will serve you a lifetime.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
