Still learning, but leaning into the future...

[DnJ]

Hello Sage

H said a really horrible, mean thing to me. I haven't been able to let it go, it was really mean, totally unnecessary and really, really hurt me. And it hurt my confidence to continue to try and work this out between us. So I haven't been able to respond to his latest offer.

(((Hugs)))

Hurt people, hurt people.

My W condescendingly and so smugly told me I’d never find true love like she did with OM, but she’d tell me all my flaws so I could maybe work on them to maybe find an ok relationship in the future. The list of flaws, she estimated would take a few hours to go over.

That is quite funny - now. At the time, I was destroyed. Confidence shot. Self doubts everywhere and about everything. And yes, it hurt a lot!

H is projecting upon you. He also knows you, how to hurt you, and which buttons to push.

Now the hard part. Pay him no heed. You know you best! His words are just words. Just him projecting his own pains, fears, depression and despair upon you.

You know better! You only feel not.

I am struggling with some feelings and am in need of advice.

Do realize your feelings are real.

Do realize your feelings do not make it is real.

H’s mean comments stir up fears, which are self reinforcing. That makes it difficult to let go.

the process felt overwhelming to me, I was scared to offer something in case upon further review I realized it wasn't practical, etc

A possible future event. Check.
A hurt or pain. Check.
A trigger. Check.
All irrationally tied together is fear.

Your actions of offering triggers the possible future of it being a poor offer and then you’d have to suffer with a bad deal. That coupled with H’s meanness and horrible words keeps the feeling going.

It might be time to bring some outside resources in, but I am still hesitant to do so and can't identify why. Is it because it means we failed? Or am I afraid that it will bring out even more of the monster/hatred? I am usually practical and self-assured in my decision-making but in this instance I am really waffling.

No one want to see more monster or hatred. And all of us dislike feeling we failed. For me, my separation agreement and divorce felt like failure. They are not failures, yet at the time that is how I felt. And feelings are irrational and tie that fear and feeling tightly.

I tried to be open and tried not to blame ('I'm sure you feel the same way towards me as well'). But he responded saying he never said such a thing to me. WTF?? Why would I make that up?? Does he not remember? And why doesn't he remember? Is he OK?

And then H told me to stop emotionally manipulating and labeling him and using things against him (and then went on to do just that to me). I haven't responded yet. I don't know what to say.

This sort of thing has been happening for the past month or so and it is starting to make me feel like I am crazy (or he is? But does that make me a crazy person if I am blaming someone else for being crazy? Or am I just making him crazy? Woah. Sorry, lots of 'crazy' in these parenthesis!).

H ‘s emotions are cranked to 11. He cannot handle anything more. And his empathy chip is broken.

Of course he denied saying it. Firstly, he probably did forget, as he has no empathy right now. He is quite indifferent towards you. Secondly, once being reminded, he would again deny, and lash out. He cannot handle feeling what he said and then projects upon you. Him telling you to stop manipulating and labelling him is an example of that. Thirdly, he uses the very things you said against you. A defence and attack to protect his tormented self. Then it starts the whole process over after he denies/forgets again.

Is he ok? He is in crisis.

What he is doing is a form of gaslighting. Although I tend to believe that MLCers are more unintentionally and far less nefariously practicing that art. Their gaslighting is more a byproduct of their psychosis and emotional pressures than a determined and calculated manipulation. Still, it is crazy-making for us. See the truth of it and be free.

I try to do something nice, or be amicable/communicative or accommodating and then it gets used against me, whether immediately, or down the road. If I'm cool and distant, I must be plotting something. If I'm kind and considerate, that wasn't my real intention now was it? I really can't win and I know I need to just step out of the game, it's totally rigged, but I just can't seem to shake my nature of wanting to be kind and loving to all.

That sounds about right on spot for the MLCer’s script.

They have the attention span of a gnat. And can yet can conjure something you said and twist it against you.

One only wins by not playing.

how do you step out of the game when you have children together and are negotiating a D?

I just so desperately want to authentically be me. Kind, loving, compassionate, considerate of others, accommodating where I can. A good friend. A good person. My R with H is the only inauthentic arena of my life and it is killing me. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do.

A few suggestions:

Do not get wrapped up in his “truth”, nor his projections or fantasy. Detached understanding

Reaffirm your detachment. You need not get drag around by his outbursts and emotions.

Realize you can step out of the game when you have children together. That realization makes it possible, which is the needed first step.

Uncouple the desperate wanting to be you. To be kind, compassionate, and such. To bring authenticity to the only inauthentic area of your life, your R with H. How? Realize you are you. You already are authentically kind, compassionate, considerate, and such. Realize the authentic R with H. Notice it’s the R with H, not your R with H. Do not take on such responsibility. A relationship takes two, not one. “My R” is not accurate and leads to inauthentic and unachievable expectations; those killing feelings. Be authentic with the relationship with H.

As your wise friend counselled, being nice to H is not actually being nice to H. He cannot see it. He cannot accept it. Compassion has a component of indifference to it. Step back and let H take his path. And his consequences.

Institute boundaries on unacceptable and disrespectful behaviour. How? Set ground rules and goals for discussions. We will be polite and not attack one another. We are here to achieve a fair spilling of assets. If H goes off, you leave.

Consult a lawyer with the agreement you have so far. This will belay those reinforcing emotions by having a professional looking it over. If you wish to continue to progress to an agreement between you and H sans the back and forth of each other’s lawyers, you can still utilize one yourself to confirm you are on the right track. However, I do think a L is a good idea. Especially considering the events of the last month and H’s attacking comments.

Sage, I believe stepping back, seeking some legal counsel, and enforcing boundaries will have you back to your confident, self-assured, decision-making self.

(((Sage)))

D