One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Hello, me again. Just had a convo with H and had to write about it. I know I shouldn't initiate R convos, but as he wants to put the house on the market and get the D rolling, I am kind of getting frustrated with this whole limbo thing as I mentioned earlier. I asked if he has discussed with S18 about how he will be packing up his room when he comes back for his next visit. He says no. I ask do you have an apartment lined up? He says no. He says he may stay in AirBnBs for a bit, and even so, he may move out of town. So I tell him that I have something lined up that can include S18 until Fall for sure, and he says "I didn't ask you to do that" and I said, "I didn't do it for you". OMG?! His timeline the the told us to plan for is six weeks and he's not acted on a thing!

He says, for so long you kept wanting to postpone things. Why are you in a rush now? I said that every day that goes by he's spending OUR money on his A. And as I put everything into this marriage, I have very little saved so I want financial security and I don't want to pay for his A. He asks if this is the BEST time to put the house on the market (not including any emotional stuff). I said yes, but you can't disregard the emotional stuff. Truth is that this is the WORST time for me and his son. But that doesn't matter...that he has made a choice that is best for him. So I said let's just get it over with. That I am making accommodations for our S18, let's just get it over with so we can try our best to move forward. I want a timeline. Let's just do it.

He still doesn't seem to realize that he is destroying our family unit. That his actions have repercussions. That if he really cared about me and/or his son, he'd be focusing on our family. Instead, he is so ready to just walk away from all of it. He doesn't even want much stuff. He wants to simplify....really? He drove most of our family purchases. He insisted on things to be as they are. I tried to make things more organized, structured, and less stressful, and I tried to co-parent and help with that stress, and he fought me every step of the way. Now he can't wait to get away from all the projects, his responsibilities and the mess that is our life.

I almost want him to go move in with her...I want him to see that she doesn't make him happy. That it's all HIM...that he has to do the work on HIMSELF. That he can't run from things...that they are always there because they are inside of you. I wanted to stand for him, I did, but I don't know if I can anymore... I'm not in a rush to find someone new, but I refuse to wait for him to come to his senses. I'm in my 50s. My time is short in finding a partner to spend my life with. I don't want to rush into anything, but I also don't want to wait for something that I don't know if will ever happen. Maybe this is just me dropping the emotional rope a bit too far...but I honestly don't know if I ever want a life with him again. Sure, there is a part of me that will always love a part of him...but in looking at reality, I deserve so much more than what he is willing to give. Let her have him. He's an A-hole. Can't wait for them to live together and burst the long-distance fantasy bubble they have going.