Hi friends, lovely to catch up on all the goings-on of your lives. I hope you all had a lovely Easter weekend!
I am struggling with some feelings and am in need of advice. Since I have last written, not much has changed in my situation: H and I are still trying to negotiate a D settlement on our own and are perhaps somewhat close, but it has been bringing out some trialing interactions. It might be time to bring some outside resources in, but I am still hesitant to do so and can't identify why. Is it because it means we failed? Or am I afraid that it will bring out even more of the monster/hatred? I am usually practical and self-assured in my decision-making but in this instance I am really waffling.
During our last in-person conversation, H said a really horrible, mean thing to me. I haven't been able to let it go, it was really mean, totally unnecessary and really, really hurt me. And it hurt my confidence to continue to try and work this out between us. So I haven't been able to respond to his latest offer. When he asked for a response today, I truthfully told him my feelings (the process felt overwhelming to me, I was scared to offer something in case upon further review I realized it wasn't practical, etc). And I also brought up the hurtful thing he said and how deeply damaging it was to my heart and my confidence. I tried to be open and tried not to blame ('I'm sure you feel the same way towards me as well'). But he responded saying he never said such a thing to me. WTF?? Why would I make that up?? Does he not remember? And why doesn't he remember? Is he OK?
And then H told me to stop emotionally manipulating and labeling him and using things against him (and then went on to do just that to me). I haven't responded yet. I don't know what to say.
This sort of thing has been happening for the past month or so and it is starting to make me feel like I am crazy (or he is? But does that make me a crazy person if I am blaming someone else for being crazy? Or am I just making him crazy? Woah. Sorry, lots of 'crazy' in these parenthesis!).
I try to do something nice, or be amicable/communicative or accommodating and then it gets used against me, whether immediately, or down the road. If I'm cool and distant, I must be plotting something. If I'm kind and considerate, that wasn't my real intention now was it? I really can't win and I know I need to just step out of the game, it's totally rigged, but I just can't seem to shake my nature of wanting to be kind and loving to all. And how do you step out of the game when you have children together and are negotiating a D?
A wise friend told me the other day that in some ways, me being nice is not actually nice to H. He can't see it right now. He can't take it. It is like when we are sleep-training our babies and just want to go in and hold them when they are crying, but knowing that it just prolongs the agony. (Wise friend reads here, so hugs to her xx)
I just so desperately want to authentically be me. Kind, loving, compassionate, considerate of others, accommodating where I can. A good friend. A good person. My R with H is the only inauthentic arena of my life and it is killing me. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do.
I just wish we didn't have children together so I could step far, far away from this madness. (Never would wish away my children, obviously, just wish I didn't have to coparent with H right now).
