One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

It is hard being a step parent. Honestly its been one of my biggest parenting challenges period.

I made it very clear early in our relationship that H had two choices. That if our relationship was to be so serious that we would move in together and plan for marriage I would be an extra parent or I would be nothing. I would not be a nanny to his D. I dug my heels in on what I would and wouldn't tolerate. I even went so far as to say that if he wanted to play games with this stuff that I'd be perfectly fine parenting my child solely but he needed to understand that would involve me essentially ignoring his D. I would not provide rides, meals, homework help or any other nanny duties, and I had a strong enough support system that I required nothing of him if he didn't want to co-parent with me.

I also absolutely refused to parent the way he parented. If he was being a crappy dad I had absolutely no qualms about pointing it out. I would never undermine him with his child in the moment but more often then not I'd go back in and do band-aid parenting once she had calmed down. And I drew very clear lines with his authoritarian parenting style and my D. I've spent my entire adult life trying to be the best parent I can be I wasn't going to allow him to undo that. All of this resulted in a lot of fights. Fights where he pitted me against my daughter, pitted me against his daughter, pitted our girls against each other. And I would call him out every time. It took many, many fights and years of refusing to back down before H finally accepted that maybe his parenting style wasn't the most effective and that sometimes he made parenting choices on what served him best not what was best choice for his daughter to learn and grow.

No body wants to hear they're being a less than stellar parent. Nor do they want to hear that they are the bad guy in a situation, but I was always of the mindset that we either bare down work through this to become one family unit no matter how rough it got or there was no point in being in a relationship. The kids come part and parcel, it's all or nothing. We had a lot of bumps and bruises working out how to parent each other's kids, how to parent with each other, and how to parent with our exes. But we got through it.

I will until the day I die feel that romantic relationship can't exist on an island away from someone's children. In my world separation of spouse and step-parent is telling both the children and your spouse you aren't a family nor will you ever be one. You're creating a competition for affection, attention, and a designing a whole lot of animosity out of the gate. I genuinely question the motives of a person who tries to do this.

I wish I had had your advice before I committed to this family. I think I would have have acted very much that way if I had a child of my own and I had some experience as a parent under my belt. But since I didn't, and had no one in my life to help guide me, I was naive to believe that when he told me he wanted me to be involved and coparent the kids, that he meant it. I am a strong person and I did try to demand what I needed and tried to tell him my thoughts away from the kids, etc, but nothing I did satisfied H...in a way that would allow him to accept my help. In the end, I do and did feel like more of a maid and cook and less of a parent that I wanted to be.

My H did the same thing in the heart of the A. He even had the audacity to get angry with his D and ask her why she couldn't just be happy for him. He looked a 15 year old in the face and wanted to know why she couldn't just be happy for him when he was completely blowing up the only stability she ever had in her life.

He also repeatedly told me that he couldn't in good conscious make an effort to work on our MR for the kids, as they would be moving out soon, and it was our relationship not theirs. He refused to acknowledge that we were a family.

He didn't even bother with the "kids are resilient" excuse. He, at that time, truly believed his happiness was of the utmost importance and his D would just get over it (it being you know our marriage and family) and adapt. Oh and if not, oh well. She can live with her mom.

Now looking back on that he hates himself. And has all but begged on his knees for forgiveness from these girls. But these WS/WAS are truly something else, I tell you. I just don't know what level of affair fog, MLC, narcissism, what ever it is to be so tunneled that you genuinely don't care about the feelings and well being of your own children.

I see so much of my H in the way your H acted. I just hope that he also realizes someday what he has done and tries to make amends with his kids. I am also confused at how they can be so tunneled that they don't care/can't see/don't want to know what the impacts of their decisions are having on their families and kids. I do hope he comes around. Knowing yours did gives me hope. What was it that finally had your H see what he'd done in that area? Did you have to point it out to him while in reconciliation or did he realize it on his own? Or did his D point it out?

I really don't know what I am doing with parenting, I'm just trying my best...flying by the seat of my pants! With lots of holes and tears in them too boot! lol I'm not sure if what I am doing is brilliant and/or beautiful, or a huge waste of ten years of my life...leaving me with an H and kids who didn't appreciate me and will move on without me. But they are the only kids I will ever have. I hold onto that and my love for them and try to hope for the best outcome.

Thanks,
El