One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Being a child of divorce and experiencing my moms few boyfriends that were not good to us (whom she got rid of when it became obvious), I knew from a child’s point of view how important the role was. So, I didn’t enter into the relationship lightly. And I admitted I wasn’t sure how to do the job but I was open to trying. In marrying him, I was also marrying his kids. He made it clear they were a priority in his life and he verbally supported my involvement. He told me to play a larger role like being part of discipline etc, but the problems arose when his actions didn’t support his words. So I’d back off and stay out of it, and if he was stressed he’d push it on me to handle, but then he’d again shut me down, do the opposite, etc. After time the kids really didn’t listen to me unless he was out of town. Our parenting styles are different. So I know some of that played a role. But one has to realize there is no rule book or instruction manual on raising kids...so being open to trying new things is a good thing. Instead of considering my approaches, he shut them down then complained to me about how the kids were not acting the way they should. But he would never shift his actions to the shifting tactics the kids throw out. He also allowed them to walk all over me. I love them and overall they are wonderful kids, but they do not show me as much respect as I would have liked as a result of my H’s actions.

I’ll never really know or understand why H acted this way towards my relationship with the kids. But he made it clear in words and actions that he wanted me to be a co-parent to them but sabotaged my actions. It was constant confusion for me. And frustration. I’ve struggled to figure out where I fit with them. All three of them. The older son at one point treated me really poorly. I finally had a very honest discussion with him about how I was in his life by choice...that unlike his bio parents, I could choose to leave. After that things shifted with him and now he shows more love and respect towards me than the younger one. The younger one has been harder as he’s really a mamma’s boy and very sensitive and for many years his bio mom tried to turn him away from me or used guilt with him to try to affect our relationship. So, even though I know he loves me, there’s always been this emotional wall with him. I’ve always held out in my mind that with emotional maturity that both boys would fully realize my love, sacrifice, and commitment to them. But the upcoming D does have me afraid that I will lose them too, as with this age, kids are pulling away from their parents anyway and having my life separate from their fathers life will make things even more complicated. But as Wayfarer suggests, I can only keep trying, telling them I love love them, and keep my door open to them. I can’t control anything else.

I think it’s great that you recognize your behavior towards your ex-GF trying to step-mom. The way I see it, parenting is hard work so why would you want to do it alone? And all of us have been kids once and have ideas that might be worth trying. Kind of like DBing, find what works and keep doing it. Right? Why would anyone want a relationship with someone who didn’t make their kids a priority? I feel that is the most admirable thing, and realizing how very hard being a step-parent is, I’m surprised by how little support we get from our spouses when trying our best to help and to love kids that are not our own. Throw in ex-partner (other bio parent) drama and it’s the hardest job ever. In your situation, you say “values weren’t aligned with yours” but if that is the case why would you even want to have a relationship with someone whose values are not aligned? I have a feeling that it may not have been your values but parenting style you have versus hers. My values were aligned with my H, it’s just my parenting style was different. I was raised differently, not better, just differently. And I think he felt like my suggestions were attacks on him personally and he’d rather keep his pride then have one of my ideas work better than his. It’s like being in a team sport but you keep playing as if you are the only player. Makes no sense to me. Do what works. Who cares who’s idea it was?

In the end, I think part of his crisis is that he’s angry that his kids are not what he hoped they would be. He looks at other people’s kids and wonders why they are so much better in his eyes then his own. But he was the one that got in the way of changing their behaviors and he was the one who enabled the bad behaviors by not putting an end to them. He wouldn’t allow any help from anyone, so what they are now is of his doing and he can’t seem to admit that. Blames other outside forces or just says “they are kids”. But strangely those other kids seem to have turned out better based on luck?

Anyway, I hope that I’m not offending you by my statements. I’m just trying to express my feelings in my situation and not trying to assume yours was the same. Parenting is hard. I admire you for being the parent you are!

El