But I didn't realize how hard being a step-parent would be until I became one. And my H hasn't really been as supportive of my efforts as he could be. I know he appreciated me doing it, but he didn't allow me to help raise the boys...shutting down my ideas or feelings even in front of them. I think he took every opinion, idea, feeling as somehow me saying he was/is a poor father.
It is hard being a step parent. Honestly its been one of my biggest parenting challenges period.
I made it very clear early in our relationship that H had two choices. That if our relationship was to be so serious that we would move in together and plan for marriage I would be an extra parent or I would be nothing. I would not be a nanny to his D. I dug my heels in on what I would and wouldn't tolerate. I even went so far as to say that if he wanted to play games with this stuff that I'd be perfectly fine parenting my child solely but he needed to understand that would involve me essentially ignoring his D. I would not provide rides, meals, homework help or any other nanny duties, and I had a strong enough support system that I required nothing of him if he didn't want to co-parent with me.
I also absolutely refused to parent the way he parented. If he was being a crappy dad I had absolutely no qualms about pointing it out. I would never undermine him with his child in the moment but more often then not I'd go back in and do band-aid parenting once she had calmed down. And I drew very clear lines with his authoritarian parenting style and my D. I've spent my entire adult life trying to be the best parent I can be I wasn't going to allow him to undo that. All of this resulted in a lot of fights. Fights where he pitted me against my daughter, pitted me against his daughter, pitted our girls against each other. And I would call him out every time. It took many, many fights and years of refusing to back down before H finally accepted that maybe his parenting style wasn't the most effective and that sometimes he made parenting choices on what served him best not what was best choice for his daughter to learn and grow.
No body wants to hear they're being a less than stellar parent. Nor do they want to hear that they are the bad guy in a situation, but I was always of the mindset that we either bare down work through this to become one family unit no matter how rough it got or there was no point in being in a relationship. The kids come part and parcel, it's all or nothing. We had a lot of bumps and bruises working out how to parent each other's kids, how to parent with each other, and how to parent with our exes. But we got through it.
I will until the day I die feel that romantic relationship can't exist on an island away from someone's children. In my world separation of spouse and step-parent is telling both the children and your spouse you aren't a family nor will you ever be one. You're creating a competition for affection, attention, and a designing a whole lot of animosity out of the gate. I genuinely question the motives of a person who tries to do this.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I'm struggling even though I know I am doing the right things... The next few months are going to be soooo hard... Packing up, moving, divorcing and disrupting our younger sons life even more than this pandemic has. H is so selfish and blind...he just thinks 'kids are resiliant' and it's really no big deal what he is doing. I'm trying to be strong but it is still hard. Even though I know I will be okay. Just because I am strong enough to handle pain, doesn't mean I deserve it.
My H did the same thing in the heart of the A. He even had the audacity to get angry with his D and ask her why she couldn't just be happy for him. He looked a 15 year old in the face and wanted to know why she couldn't just be happy for him when he was completely blowing up the only stability she ever had in her life.
He also repeatedly told me that he couldn't in good conscious make an effort to work on our MR for the kids, as they would be moving out soon, and it was our relationship not theirs. He refused to acknowledge that we were a family.
He didn't even bother with the "kids are resilient" excuse. He, at that time, truly believed his happiness was of the utmost importance and his D would just get over it (it being you know our marriage and family) and adapt. Oh and if not, oh well. She can live with her mom.
Now looking back on that he hates himself. And has all but begged on his knees for forgiveness from these girls. But these WS/WAS are truly something else, I tell you. I just don't know what level of affair fog, MLC, narcissism, what ever it is to be so tunneled that you genuinely don't care about the feelings and well being of your own children.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I know I can have a place for our son until the fall at least. So I am at least taking him into account while H can’t wait to start his new life with his AP. Trying not to get sucked into his behavior and the drama but it’s so hard...especially when it comes to the kids.
You are an amazing bonus parent and I can completely understand how hard it is to not to want to at the very least dig in, shut him down or all out fight for the sake of the kids.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I wish I could make up for both of their bio parents. I’m so worried about them having healthy relationships when both of their bio parents have shown so little respect for their partners.
The thing is we can't control this so we can't worry about it. All we can do is be the best versions of us we can be, and do the most we can to support them.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I respect you for taking the step-parent role seriously. Some parents don't prioritize their biological kids, and here you are prioritizing kids that aren't even yours biologically. That's brilliant and beautiful.
El this is so, so true. What you are doing for S18 is brilliant and beautiful.
