Steve_ Facing reality Part 1.

[Steve_]

Not even mad at you Joseph, I can totally see how it can seem that way. Stepping out of the sitch for a moment and kind of looking back at it I gotta be honest I have some regrets for how things have unfolded and also Im okay with some of it too.

Yes absolutely I should have been able to detatch from this sitch but I havent. I have struggled to find this place in my head where im okay with just letting go of it. I felt like when my WW left me for OM she told me it was becaause he "gave her attention, could talk to her for hours, became a great friend and things just went from there over a few weeks"

So in my mind I was like well she thought idgaf about her, was into my own hobbies and didnt acknowledge her existance, so let me just be there for her while she makes this colossal mistake. And I was, and she did, and OM and her ended things and still she is out there "confused" and "isnt ready" to commit to the M since she has "always been in relationships". So in my LBH mind I was like, okay Steve so WW says you didnt care, then you handle yourself, take care of yourself and be there for her and in a matter of time she will realize she was wrong... Yeah no. Thats not gonna happen. I suppose all the advice here seemed so opposite of what I felt I should do it was just hard to take. Hard to actually think that letting her go would have made a better difference. At this point all I can do is let her go, Ive been trying to do super H for months and that isnt working. Just like Sandi's posts say and Steve and LH and Cwarrior and a lot of vets post that Super H is actually a push-away. But Im okay with what I did, because If i pushed her away its honestly for the best, I dont need to be saving this M. And at least my kids got to see the fact that dad did really love mom and try to do the right thing before he gave up and im okay with that.

At this time I dont really care anymore about the outcome. I was very into trying to seem like such a good guy and blah blah to work out hard, be super dad, super h all that so I would become attractive to her. What actually happened is I became less attractive to her and a lot more attractive to other women around me. Which was not my intention at all. I have spent more and more time just talking to other women from work other nurses and stuff just about thier relationships and mine and so on and its interesting to see the perspective from the other side.

Last night WW contacts me to tell me that the kids need backpacks for school, she knew this, and forgot or whatever and she was heading to work at the restaraunt and wouldnt have time. So I went and got the backpacks, packed them with the stuff for school and put them in bed so my MIL could get some rest. Ww responded "your my angel" when she got home. I responded, "thanks, goodnite". That was all. And for once It didnt make me feel "good" like a nice little H. It made me feel stupid like an idiot. But it was for the kids and they needed to have that stuff squred away, it was the first day back at school. I decided to take up a work shift today, I wonder if she actually got up and made them go to school. I doubt it. At this time im slowly starting to accept just how crappy she is as a person. But I guess I needed to feel like I did the Super H BS for awhile before I quit. Im not gonna be able to just up and stop for a little longer, I know me, wont even lie. But I am trying and I do NOT ask her out, or for anything at all. After my 1/2 shift is over Im going to go fishing and later on I will call my kids and ask them how 1st day back at school was. Thats it.

I feel like I had to try to do something, anything to save my M and I feel like I did my best. Now its okay if I want to give up, I tried and I wouldnt have been able to just walk off if I didnt, even if it was the right thing to do. Again its okay because If I ruined my recon possiblility by pursing her thats fine, its not an M I need to be in anyhow. Im actually okay other than the WW games. Life is pretty easy and pretty good. I got lots of friends im spending more and more time with, and the kids are happy with dad and we do tons of things together. So Ill just keep doing that and let her do whatever it is she wants to do, it doesnt matter anyway.