Cardi, wow sweet one, you have come so far. Your update was beautiful to read; it oozes gentle self-confidence and wisdom. You are trusting yourself, acting on compassion mixed with rationality. And the biggest sign of your progress is you asking yourself about the bigger questions in life: what do I want out of my profession? What's next? Where from here for ME?
And the hope component? I feel you, sister. One thought that I have been marinating on is 'what if hope never goes away completely?' I know intellectually that I have to move on with my life, find the best path forward for myself, regardless of H's role in it. And that is my primary fuel at the moment. So the hope element may just be something I have to learn to live with; it waxes when he is 'nice' and wanes when he turns back inward. My growth: moving on to my best self cannot be dependent on the feelings of another human.
DnJ has been instrumental in helping me understand that feelings come and go. So it makes little sense for me (us) to ballast our boat on another's feelings. A dear friend of mine shared an interested concept that he recently read about: we tend to mistake the strength of our emotional reactions for the strength of our logic. Let logic prevail. Allow hope to be a presence, but allow the future (logic, growth, safety) to eclipse hope. Both are allowed their light, but one is a little more powerful than the other.
And I will leave you with another quote shared from the same friend that touched me (and brought hope in a different sense):
"Now every time I witness a strong person, I want to know: What dark did you conquer in your story? Mountains do not rise without earthquakes." -Katherine MacKennett
Hugs, Cardi, I am so proud to know you and your story.
