With each call and as time goes by, we keep getting better and better at letting go our expectations and letting our temporary feelings flit. It is perfectly normal for one feel and expect after interactions. Our control is in us letting go of those and returning to our core self again. It gets easier to to step back and view the big picture. Don’t worry, you are doing fine - experience makes masters of us all.D
And for sure we gain experience. You are right about the getting easier part. A few months ago it would have taken weeks before I could give this a place, now it only takes a few days and I realize I don't need him to be happy. Yes, I sympathize with him but it no longer dominates my life. More than ever I realize that he will have to do what is necessary to get his life back on track, that no one can do this for him.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I am glad to see you are planning on remaining in the house during H’s upcoming visit. Be kind and cordial. Friendly not friends. His visiting is no stranger than anything else on these weird paths. I suspect you may learn some things depending on how loquacious H feels like being; the less you say the more he will. Most just can’t help themselves, and they blurt out. Keep boundaries when necessary and filter out any projections and blame-ridden justifications - do not take the bait.D
Will definitely do so. I have also planned some activities with friends and family on my own, this way he will have some time alone to spent with the kids.
I also want to share a bit of the actions I see the last weeks. His behavior has changed since his last visit. I have not heard or seen the anger, the monster behavior so far anymore.
There is even a serious change in behavior towards our children. In recent years, H has been very focused on their school performances and it was never good in his eyes. He was always very strict when their results were a little less and also the school reviews were hell for both myself and the teachers as he was always very informative, used difficult words to express his own cleverness and regularly thwarted the teachers.
In fact, when they received their last performance in December, it was so bad that he bullied all 3 kids over the phone to the point that all 3 cried. It was then that my eldest was so angry with him that I told him to call back to his father to express his feelings which he did.
Last week there was another performance review. What a change ... for the first time in 4 years, we had a pleasant review. It was online, he also called in and openly congratulated each of his sons and even thanked the teachers.
He also calls the children twice a week now. Sometimes even separately to each of them, which he never did before. I am pleased to see this, hopefully he continues to build on this positive behavior.
Things are also friendly between us. When he calls them and I am nearby, I always say hello briefly and we do some small talk.
I also know that last week he called his father with whom he has not had any contact for more than 6 months now. He has asked him to be more frequently in touch with each other again, also confirmed to him that he is seeing an IC and that the process is not easy but realizes that this is what he needs.
I was surprised to see the thread of Grace21 today. I was attracted to it and took the time to read the whole story. It felt good to read this.
I was also very moved how the same people that I now meet here regularly have assisted her so well all the way through.
DnJ, Job, Gerda, Dejavu6, OwnIt, Kml and so many others. I want to reiterate how deeply grateful I am that this forum exists and the lessons we are learning here on how to deal with this exceptional situation.
Only the fact that you can express your feelings is very important in itself, but also the fact that you are assisted with advice and action is more than I could ever expect.
Anyway, I wish all of you a nice Easter week. If I need some help when he is here next week, which will most probably be the case, I will not hesitate to reach out to you.
