Hey El, So I don't write much on your sitch because every body pretty much has it covered at all times. So there isn't really anything for me to add to it. The only thing I'm going to add because I'm one of very few on here who had to deal with with a non-bio kid with a less than stable bio parent I wasn't in the MR with and less than stable WAS/WS who was the other bio parent. Also my girls are not little. D18 is a senior this year. D17 is a junior.
Girls don't talk as much as you'd like to think they do. They are teenagers first, and girls second. I spent many years in juvenile justice. So dealing with difficult kids is kinda in my nature. I've also been told I have a ridiculous amount of patience. I say this so you know that every convo I had with these girls that I journaled here was preceded and succeeded by many others those were just the fruitful ones.
So the thing about teenagers is they will do their absolute best to appear as if they don't care and that they aren't listening. Sometimes that's true on both counts. Most of the time it's not. Kids hear you. No matter what they hear you. Are they listening or actively listening? More often than not, that's a big fat nope. But what you say does sit in their brain and if you keep saying it over and over and over eventually it clicks. One day it'll go on like a light switch.
I spent a lot of time saying to my girls over and over and over again that I was going to be ok and that they were going to be ok. That H didn't get to determine if we were a family or not. We make that choice. He doesn't get to dictate how we feel about men or relationships. He doesn't get to dictate how we feel about any of this. We get to feel any way we want. We get to be a family if we choose. We get to be sad or angry if we want to. I said over and over how much I loved them and I was there for them in any way. Even if their feelings were messy. Even if they were mad at me for standing. Even if they thought I was door mat. (which they did). Even if they loved him and hated him at the same time. Or me. Or each other. That I was there, zero judgement. The only thing I asked was if I took the time to listen they needed to take the time to listen to me after they spilled their guts. They didn't have to like it. Believe it. Agree with it. They just had to listen.
I had no ability to passively parent either one of them in the middle of this. Especially the one that I didn't give life to. S18 will not spill his guts simply because you ask him to, S20 won't either. Just keep reiterating that you love them. That you will be a family regardless. That your life after D plan has room for them in it. That you will do what you can to be a rock in their life if they need it, and that you want to be a part of their life in what ever capacity they want. And that you understand how complicated and messy that feels right now and if they need distance you understand that too. Don't just do this in actions do this in words too. They won't say much now unless they feel absolutely compelled to. But in time you will likely remain a bonus parent.
As far as OW goes. Don't torture yourself with internet sleuthing. The sooner you can put here in your rearview the better. She isn't worth more emotional energy than your pity.
