I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. From your reading/lurking here you know of the kind and compassionate folks here. It takes no small amount of courage to take the leap and start to post. Welcome.
Many things can place a marriage further down the priority list, a job is quite a common contentious issue in lots of martial strife. Kids, money, job, and such can all come between the couple and slide their commitment to each other down the list of what they make time for.
One hundred hours a week is a significant quantity of time investment. This would undoubted, as you well know, be a huge part of H’s identity. Yes, he would get an ego boost from saving the day. And the darker side of that love/hate job relationship would drag him downward. Anything one largely obsesses over is unhealthy.
The sudden loss of H’s employment and his status / identity is going to cause depression and all manner of issues. Any hidden emotional demons lurking within him are going to awaken. I am figuring H just lost the job and he is currently on his way home. This will be the first time home post job loss. How long has he been working 100 hours a week? How long was he employed by them?
Originally Posted by Flowerjo
But can a job loss be similar to an affair partner loss? Can a job step in as an affair partner?
Yes, any significant loss can/will have similar withdrawal as the affair partner loss.
An affair, the illicit sexual relationship, is the emotional connection and feelings it creates not so much the act. In this way an emotional affair is usually worse than an actual physical affair. An EA exists mostly or even solely in the mind and has less actual reality or fateful interference in their fantasy narrative.
It’s the desire or obsession that one love/lusts after that is the underlying issue. A job can fit this very well. Consider how many marriages fail because of one partner focusing upon their job and not their spouse. A love of saving the day. A lusting after the next big ego boost, or money, or esteem, or status, and such. The sudden and definite removal of such emotional inputs, even the ugly hated ones due to H’s coworkers, will cause a depressive turn in him. Loss causes grief.
You mentioned mid life crisis h*ll that H has been going through and the stereotypical behaviours he has exhibited. I suspect you have recognized a shift in him in recent times. His performance at work has probably been affected, more in the relationship regarding coworkers than clients I would guess. People transitioning from one life stage to another is a difficult time. And sometimes the train comes off the rails.
Originally Posted by Flowerjo
I don’t know ... maybe this is just crazy. Maybe I’m just the poor wife graphing on to anything because this really has messed up our marriage and our family. And I have no idea what to expect when he gets home.
You are not crazy. (((Flowerjo)))
Yes, we do grasp on to anything and everything while our world spins. Breathe. It will be ok.
When is H expected home?
As best you can - expect nothing particular of H’s behaviour for his arrival home. You are going to have to see what and where H will take things.
I look forward to talking more with you.
Stay strong. You will be ok.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
