A question about jobs

[Flowerjo]

Generic background: married almost 22-years. Together 24. Two kids. It was a good marriage. Not perfect by any means but it was good. He took a job about 5-years ago. It had him traveling a lot. I was at home, going through my own issues. Because he was gone so much, everything was dumped on me. Kids, school, my work, bills, cars, house, animals. So we probably lost a connection. And somewhere in there he became angry. Angry at me, the kids, life, everything. Nothing was good enough. Honestly, I got to the point I was glad to see him leave because he was always so angry. He became a very different man. I should add, he had one messed up childhood. The stuff his parents did and while I believe he is at peace with his idiot dad, he has never come to terms with his mother. I think the real damage is there.

Covid hit last year, he came home, still angry. They had him reclassified as essential and he went back out on the road. That was when AP came in. They met through his work and they started talking online. He realized he was screwing up and backed off from her, I’m guessing the end of June. Started trying to reconnect with friends, the kids ... not me. In August the AP contacted me and for the next eight months she continued to email me various things. She swapped out emails, so I could never block her. I never responded to her emails and I rarely opened them. Though I would send screenshots of them to my husband. She even started a FB page declaring his love for her in November. He started talking to her again (I believe) after the 2nd or 3rd email because he didn’t think she sent them. I believe they email a couple times a week.

November was low, especially after the FB page. Thanksgiving of all days and I was done. The FB page was the last straw. She stole pictures from my FB of my kids and used them on this page. It’s actually how I figured out who she was because she, with her real page, had gone through and “loved” everything on this page. No, he had nothing to do with it, not even remotely his writing style but he does have someone on his FB page connected to her.

December, I started understanding more about the midlife crisis. I read several other sites and I learned a lot. December we also all ended up with Covid and with Xmas, my husband was home for a month. It was horrible the first week. We were sick. Quarantined. He was horrible that first week. I was nice. Didn’t argue. Ignored when he put the couches up in the living room so he didn’t have to see me. And slowly things started changing. He calmed down. We started talking again. I got another email, right before Xmas and he was pissed. Which was the first time he had finally gotten ticked off that I had been harassed for how many months at that point? He turned off his FB account. And we reconnected. Or started to.

Then he went back to work and things were good, the first month. He told me he had broken off contact with her. Something he was very proud of. I was taking time, when he called, to talk to him without the kids interrupting. I turned the TV off when he called. We started daily emails because sometimes it is easier to talk there. He started coming home more often and telling his work no. He still was working too much but he was trying to get home. One weekend, he missed his flight due to the weather and he was devastated. He broke things off with the AP. He finally realized it had to be her contacting me. We were doing good.

During this time, she kept calling him. I looked at the phone records. He ignored her or would say something rude to her. I did mention if he really wanted her to stop contacting him, all he had to do was block her which he hadn’t. So I knew he wasn’t completely done. Though I believe he meant well at the time. Somewhere towards the end of February, first or March he started communicating with AP again. And low and behold, I started getting emails again. I actually opened one of the emails, I usually just ignore them, they are hurtful to me but I realized, she made some accusations about my husband and our daughter that just weren’t possible. Anyway, at that point, he and I talked, he doesn’t know why he talks to this idiot woman other than she makes him “feel good”, and he even compared it to addiction. And he does have a very addictive personality. He hadn’t seen her since right after our big fight at Thanksgiving. Instead of lying, if there is a question that he doesn’t want to be honest on, he just won’t answer me. So I believe him on that.

We’ve had a couple fights since January; usually when I’m really tired of all of his crap and I lose it. Once over our son. We had one the other night on the phone. I have my weak moments too which was stupid because I know he’s stressed out with the job loss, don’t poke the bear with a stick. But I did. And he just spewed at me. He kept swearing. Told me he didn’t care what I thought. He wasn’t going to be anyone’s whipping boy. Bringing up old employers from like 20-years ago. And he kept repeating himself. He must have made that whipping boy comment 15-times. It was bizarre. Not the guy who I married even remotely. He use to work with troubled youth and suddenly, I felt, I was dealing with the troubled youth. I’ve known my husband 25-years. This is not him. I just listened. Got mad one time until I realized he wanted to make me mad. And I calmed down again. After that phone call I just left him alone. He checked in the next morning; text messages with me and the kids at first. Then phone calls to the kids with, “Hey where’s your mom?” And then he started calling me again. No apologies. Actually no mention of the phone call.

He’s home now. It’s good, I suppose. I try not poking the bear with a stick. I keep things light. I journal and pray a lot. I have no clue what he will do with the job loss. This week is spring break and he’s just taking it off which he had planned too before losing his job.

The affair partner is 99% online. He can talk to her as much now as he did then. He figured out I had checked the phone logs a few times and he switched to email. I don’t go through his email or anything. The phone log, I wasn’t real thrilled with myself looking up and at one point it became my obsession and I don’t want to live like that.

My husband did something similar almost 13-years ago. To a MUCH lesser degree. Started emailing a woman and she started harassing me. But he cut it off. We went and changed our phone numbers even. But our kids were little. We were busy. I don’t think we ever got to the bottom of the issues of why he did it. We just kind of swept it under the rug and continued on. Ironically enough, the previous woman and the current woman both look alike and, even odder, they both kind of resemble his mother, I realized recently. Similar work fields and both took the approach of harassing me which I found was odd. I don’t know if his mother harassed other women, I’ve never met her. After reading another site, I believe there are some real connections with his mother. He didn’t finish whatever the first time around and the same issue popped up again 13-years later but only 100-times worse. So, I’m trying to let this affair run its course and hopefully whatever issue he has, will be put behind him. Because if he doesn’t and he does this again 5-10 years down the road, I’m done.

I have read other people’s stories who sound so much worse than mine. So sometimes, I feel, we have some hope. Then there are the times that I wonder what the heck have I gotten myself into? It’s stupid. He’s stupid. I’m a good woman. Not perfect but I am so much better than these idiot women that he decides he needs to PenPal with. And I could do better. Though currently, I don’t think I could do much worse ... though I guess he doesn’t physically beat me. I guess there is that.

Mostly I’m just sad and tired of it all. We had a good marriage. We had a great family. Not perfect but good. Our kids are amazing. They’re nerds but they’re good kids. Honestly, they’re at the age we should be having problems with them, not my husband. I haven’t talked with many people in real life about this because, they look at me like I’m stupid and no one I know has ever looked into a midlife crisis beyond a sports car and a twenty-year-old. I can’t stand being pitied. Instead I’ve worked on me. I returned to school and I’m finishing my degree. I’m becoming a nicer person. More patient, though I screw up every now and then. I’ve identified my mistakes in the marriage and yes, I made mistakes. I realize I can’t change him, only me. I also realize my husband mirrors a lot of my actions. Obviously not all of them but a lot of them. I’m becoming more independent. It was our decision for me to stay at home with the kids and him to make the money but I think it was too much of a burden for him. So I am correcting that. I believe we will actually come through this. I think idiot woman down south is a phase. But I want to come through this as better individuals and a stronger couple or to let me move on. I say we had a good marriage, and we did, but we had a lot of co-dependent issues too. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about marriage in general ... but currently I just need him to stop being a dumb-ass.

And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to dump all of this here. I apologize to anyone who has read this all. I’m wordy. I also have a lot of bottled up negative energy.