So a couple things happened since we last hung out on the boards.
1) I went to a friendly dinner with a woman. It was a lot of fun. Grabbed dinner at 6:45p and ended up closing the place down. This woman is looking to get married and have kids but is new to the area. I was very clear that I am not looking for any kind of a relationship. We met through a friend, and I was bored and just called her up to go to dinner. It was fun, I don't think anything much more will come of it.
Being older and going out is definitely different. I picked up on a lot of the little things that she dropped that in my opinion were tests. Like "well you don't want to have kids, do you?" It was kind of funny and it was fun.
2) I did go to dinner with my Ex and the kids last night to a very nice restaurant for my son's birthday. I do think it meant a lot to him, because I asked him and he said it did. Her and I didn't talk at all about ourselves, not one question about what's been happening in our lives - which did make for a bit of a quiet table, but my daughter was very talkative.
I was paying attention a lot to my feelings - as that is something we're working on in IC. Its interesting to me how on one level I despise her and I would not want anything to do with her ever again in a marriage relationship. The negatives are dramatic and I know that most other woman would be more supportive, will treat me better, and I assume wouldn't cheat on me. She looks like she's struggling but trying to put on a brave face. Her hair continues to thin and she's put on weight. I feel bad for her.
But emotionally I was surprised that I still do have feelings for her. I'll continue to work through them and they're not the crazy feelings that make me want to pull all the stops out and try to save this thing - I just find it odd how my logic and feelings are at such odds - and I think that's something good to be aware of. I think it probably helps me process my anger at times and other things that are happening.
After the night was over I did send her a text.
"I have so much to say to you that will never be said. I still have feelings for you, and those are mine to work through. I do hope you find your happiness."
Why'd I send it and what did I expect back? I got nothing back, which was expected. I guess I sent it so that she would know she still has a chance. Its closing, but there is still a small window. It was a combination of a warning that the window is closing, while also letting her know there is an open door.
We have mediation again on Wednesday. I expect that we will get through a good amount of stuff. I think we'll get this tied up and file by the end of April. And then its over, for now. I'll be better off with this behind me. I'm still grieving the loss though I'm not sure what I lost. I fear I've lost the ability to give my heart to someone again - but maybe in time I'll heal that part too. I just can't see that at this time. ------------------------------ There's a lot here to kick my butt about, and that's fine. I'm just trying to work through a challenging time and I don't regret any of the decisions I've made, except maybe for that text - but even then, I'm glad I sent that message.
